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THURSDAY INJURY REPORT

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The complete injury list for the week is as follows: 

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Kirk Cousins, Michigan State: Sprained face from the most intense handoff face ever. Will play. 

Justin Blackmon, Oklahoma State: Out with an ale-ing IPA ligament. 

Derrick Locke, Kentucky: Shoulder injury, will miss Miss State game most likely.

Jeff Demps, Florida: Right toe fell off in shower. Reduced to 4.5 speed, now reluctant to wear even the most stylish open-toed shoes. 

Marcus Lattimore, South Carolina. RUN HE'S FEELING BETTER OH SHIT SERIOUSLY RUN BITCHES RUN

Nick Foles, Arizona. Out indefinitely due to unspecified injury. Our sources, however, have narrowed it down to split ends, dry scalp, or if doctors' worst fears are realized, both. 

Josh Oglesby, Wisconsin: Out for remainder of season with left knee injury.  

Steven Threet, Arizona State: Concussion, or what TCU coach Gary Patterson would call "The Pussy Wobbles." 

DeQuinta Jones, Arkansas: Likely out due to Chronic Hydroextension Injury and smoke inhalation. 

Andre Debose, Florida: Fractured manifold, broken strut. (Damn your expensive Ferrari parts. )  

Chris Rainey, Florida: Questionable due to equally questionable typing skills. 

Nathan Scheelhaase, Illinois: Probable due to vowel saturation. 

Michael Floyd, Notre Dame: Sprained hamstring, will play. 

LaMichael James, Oregon: Missing several protective tiles from his heat-resistant re-entry shield. Expected to play. 

Robert Bolden, Penn State: Concussion, or as Joe Paterno calls it, "The Abbruzese Birthmark." 

Cory Grant, TCU: Ankle, but will play. /GARYPATTERSONGLARES

UCLA QUARTERBACKS: Dead. All dead. 

Jake Locker, Washington: Probable with ankle and broken heart. YOU NEVER REALLY LOVED HIM MCSHAY.

Dillon Baxter, USC: Out due to toe injury, dillweed. <----Lane Kiffin writes their injury reports personally, and attached a drawing of a huge cartoon penis to this report.