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Oh, and dead relatives who expect nothing but the best from you.

It's WAR DAY, or the day when we decide who will be declared the finisher in a race college football started with staggered starting lines, unfair advantages for many teams, and no real solidly defined weight divisions. (Like Super Smash Brothers, if you're video game-minded.) Texas and Alabama meet tonight in Pasadena, and according to Scipio Tex, all Texas has going for them are intangibles, named that because they're...well, read it.

Intangibles are great. Intangibles are fun. Intangibles are also…NOT TANGIBLE. You can’t see them, touch them, or even adequately explain them. Like phlogiston, Bob Stoops’ chin, horoscopes, Asgard, chupacabras, chemistryness, German humor, my sense of decorum in Las Vegas, clutchitude, and Nessie.

Rolando McClain, beastly person of note. BON is worrying about Mt. Cody, but they should be more concerned about Rolando McClain's dynamic with Cody, the relationship of a huge plug in the middle with a linebacker with brains and the brawn to put them in extremely effective and hurtful places on the field. It's the same dynamic the Ravens have had in Ray Lewis' most effective years, and it's the same thing you'll see tonight. It allows McClain to range more freely in the middle of the field. When that happens, bodies start flying around. Usually the ones of the other team.

Throwing over a 6'5" linebacker is always fun. McClain is still struggling with a "stomach virus." The symptoms include being excused from all media interviews, and treatment includes IV fluids accompanied with film study, because Saban is a sneaky Belichickian bastard just like Meyer, but without the fleshy, vulnerable human heart all Belichick coaches have replaced with a four cylinder engine on hiring.

Damn dirty ape. If you like the simian vote, go with Texas. Speaking of charismatic trained apes, Kirk and Brent will be calling the game, so prepare yourself for a solid Musburgering.

Tros chere bear. Art Briles $4 mil buyout at Baylor will likely be too pricey for Texas Tech. Hey, assholes! Adam James wants more ice in his drink! You think this concussion is going to heal itself? NO IT NEEDS RUM AND COKES BITCH NOW FILL IT UP.