DID YOU ORDER THE CODE SHED?

By Orson Dec 30, 2009, 2:49pm EST

The best thing written about the entire Leach saga is not, sadly, our rapid-fire analysis over at SBNation. It is instead a short but savage remix of A Few Good Men posted by horninok on a Rivals board. (Via Darren Rovell.) We're reproducing it here because it is beautiful, uncopyrighted, and needs to be shared with the masses, but please: this is message board genius at its finest.

A FEW GOOD PIRATES

Gerald Meyers (Tech AD): *Coach Leach, did you order the Code Shed?*

Kent Hance: You *don’t* have to answer that question!

Coach Leach: I’ll answer the question!

[to Meyers]

Coach Leach: You want answers?

Meyers: I think I’m entitled.

Coach Leach: *You want answers?*

Meyers: *I want the truth!*

Coach Leach: *You can’t handle the truth!*

[pauses]

Coach Leach: Son, we live in a world that has sidelines, and those sidelines have to be guarded by pirates with swords. Whose gonna do it? You? You, Meyers? I have a greater responsibility than you could possibly fathom. You weep for James, and you curse the Pirates. You have that luxury. You have the luxury of not knowing what I know. That James’s small shed, while tragic, probably saved games. And my existence, while grotesque and incomprehensible to you, saves games. You don’t want the truth because deep down in places you don’t talk about at parties with your fat little girlfriends, you want me on those sidelines, you need me on those sidelines. We use words like honor, code, loyalty. We use these words as the backbone of a life spent defending something. You use them as a punchline. I have neither the time nor the inclination to explain myself to a man who rises and sleeps under the blanket of the very bowl games that I provide, and then questions the manner in which I provide it. I would rather you just said thank you, and went on your way, Otherwise, I suggest you pick up a sword, and stand a post. Either way, I don’t give a damn what you think you are entitled to.