4:45 a.m.: Wake up, douse self with pitcher of blood kept next to bed.
4:47 a.m.: Deep breaths when he realizes Shelley has replaced rage-blood wakeup mix with soothing tincture of lavender.
4:48--7:00 a.m. Wait in bed per psychiatric orders. Visualize happy place.
7:01 a.m.: Doctor appointed wakeup time arrives. Eat breakfast of egg whites and fresh melon. Put on nametag; "talk" to children.
7:45 p.m.: Brisk walk around neighborhood. As neighbors pass, bare teeth, but raise eyebrows to convey lack of hostile intent.
8:45 a.m.: Call recruits, ask about "relatives" and "emotions." NO LONGER THAN ONE HOUR OF RECRUITING CALLS. Use your egg timer to stay on schedule.
9:45 a.m. Egg timer goes off.
9:50 Shelley notices the time.
10:00 a.m. Placed in front of television where DVD of Up is played for emotional connective time.
10:00 a.m- 12:00 p.m. ROLLING ON FLOOR AND WEEPING.
12:15 p.m. Lunch of light salad and decaffeinated tea. Sneak five redbulls and intravenous espresso behind Shelley's back. Lie on tummy time mat and vibrate for 45 minutes.
1:15 p.m. Trip to Build-A-Bear Store to build Emotion Bear, the stuffed ursine friend who talks about feelings when you can't.
1:25 p.m. Stuff perky worker with stuffing gun. Tip well.
1:45 p.m. COLD STONE YAY COLD STONE TRIP!!!
2:15 p.m. Phone Jeremy Foley, announce resignation.
2:16 p.m. SIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIKE!!!
2:18 p.m. Apologize deeply and sincerely to Jeremy Foley, whom you love and thank for all the hard work and understanding he has contributed to your life and to the University of Florida's over the years.
2:20 p.m. Call Steve Addazzio and have his nameplate restored to "interim."
3:00 p.m. Play Modern Warfare 2 with teenage neighbors under GamerTag "EmoGator09"
3:15 p.m. URGE TO KILL RISING WHY IS THAT BASTARD SHOOTING ME WITH A SNIPER RIFLE OVER AND OVER AGAIN--
4:15 p.m. Awake from catatonic rage-spasm to see Shelley standing over you with taser, glass of orange juice.
4:30 p.m. Yoga instructor arrives for private session.
4:36 p.m. Uncontrollable giggling at accidental flatulence in downward dog. FOCUS.
4:48 p.m. More giggling.
5:15 p.m. Note that yoga is boooooooooooring.
5:18 p.m. Fall asleep in mountain pose.
5:32 p.m. The mail. Hey, no one's checked the mail yet!
5:34 p.m. Discover autographed glossy 8x10 picture of Nick Saban mailed to residence for twentieth day in a row.
5:35 p.m. Chest pains.
5:37 p.m. Lie down for remainder of day mumbling incoherently.