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CURIOUS INDEX, 12/23/2009

"Beavers do like to ride the pole." If you want someone, anyone to blame for Oregon State playing the worst game we've seen them play since getting trounced by Penn State 45-14 in 2008, blame Cirque du Soleil.

We don't giggle until they do the little peyote trooper tiptoe run with the curved arms across the stage. (HT: LBS) Gilded Quebecois circus drifters operating our nation's largest drug-smuggling and human-trafficking ring aside, BYU also played a large part in that by doing their best '89 Canes imitation and hitting anyone on the field at anytime regardless of whether they had the ball or not. Oh, you missed the fourth quarter of a blowout where BYU racked up 30 yards of personal foul yardage on a single play? This is why you don't turn the channel, even when an almost-Rose Bowl-bound Pac-10 team is getting rake-beaten by a Mountain West team blown out by Florida State earlier in the season. THE LAS VEGAS BOWL: WHERE AMAZING HAPPENS. (BYU fans are happy about it, anyway.)

Did you know only 8.4% of CEOs are valedictorians? Suck it, John Weisburger who didn't get a B in Calculus in his last semester because he was too busy partying! The math skills flexed by the Wiz here are shamefully weak, and this is coming from someone baffled by anything past his fingers and toes, but he only deserves opprobrium for passing on the stupid unscrutinized and unopened. The Wall Street Journal of all places passes along statistically insignificant crap with a smile re: recruiting rankings, which aren't and have never been as bad as we want them to be.

WOOO SEC SPEED. We find it odd that Markihe Anderson has 11 speeding tickets, since his specialty is letting others blow by him at high speed, not the other way around. Alachua County and its surrounding environs are notoriously honeycombed with speed traps, so much so that the town of Lawtey was listed as an official no-go zone by Triple A in the 1990s. Throw dumb aggressive football players into that, and traffic tickets are bound to shake out like candy from a pinata. (We got five speeding tickets in our eighteenth year, and that was driving an '87 Ford Escort Station Wagon. A real car plus us would have equalled serious record-setting ticketage.)

Mmm, Mesh-y. The Rivalry shows you "Mesh,", the indefensible play both on the real football field, and also when you're thrashing ass on the XBox/Game Console of Your Choice.

Oh, now you bitches want us to break out the fresh truncheons. Texas, you know this means submissions are out, and that Alabama won't hear you tapping out over the noise of the crowd, right? Just be prepared for that if it comes to that.