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CURIOUS INDEX, 12/22/2009

Wish in one hand and shit in the other and see which one fills up first. Ah, Bad Santa. The finest of yuletime feelgood stories. How can I be dropped on my own head ARE YOU FUCKING WITH ME KID?

A character who drinks Ol' Granddad throughout the movie would be enough, but a foulmouthed midget who actually holds his own, the most hopeless child ever put on film, and dialogue like this...

Kid: Your beard's not real.
Willie: No Shit!It was real, but I got sick and all the hair fell out.
Kid: How come?
Willie: I loved a woman who wasn't clean.
Kid: Mrs. Santa?
Willie: No it was her sister

...and Bernie Mac, who was basically our grandfather, but black and fond of wearing silk shirts instead of white and going shirtless in a pair of work pants all day. If there's any justice in this world, it will replace A Christmas Story as the holiday film run perennially into the ground on TNT during the holidays.

Figure it out or there will be fires and rioting. Fox and Time Warner's squabbling over pricing might keep the BCS's games from being broadcast in Austin, Orlando, LA, Dallas, and New York, which might matter more than just a little bit to Texas Florida fans thanks to Fox's ongoing hostage situation with the BCS. (Thom Brennaman's just waiting. Lying there. Silent, and poised. Like a ninja. Waiting to ruin a broadcast.)

Fox wants a dollar fee per customer to put Fox on the lineup, an arrangement customary for cable channels but not for network broadcast feeds, and Time Warner has thus far refused to pay. The current agreement expires on Jan. 1st, and would leave viewers in the dark for all of Fox's poorly broadcast, hackily assembled, and reprehensible coverages of the BCS bowls, including the deep, painful molestation they have planned for the BCS title game. Sugar, Fiesta, and Orange Bowls. The BCS on Fox! Sponsored by Uncle Touchy's Naked Puzzle Basement. (Again.)

The band, as always, takes one for the team. Universities are cutting expenses for bowl trips, meaning they should lose slightly less than they usually do this year on bowl trip expenses, and that the first area to cut is of course the most important: the band.

They do really love their football in Alabama. They do so love their football coach in Alabama, but he implores you and your passionate mustache to hold off on all victory celebrations for the moment.

Perhaps you might be interested in this affordable and informative newsletter. Dennis Franchione plus Las Vegas = LULZ FOR MILEZ. Please oh please let this happen, if only to see how screwed up this can possibly get, because if you're a follower of Loki like we are these things just have to come to pass to solidify our worldview.