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Joe Adams cannot be killed. He first noticed when he burned himself on the stove, then was hit by a car without any ill effects. Then he began to suspect he had supernatural powers. He began to place himself in the line of danger without concern for his well-being: stepping into traffic, falling off buildings, swallowing glass to see if it would harm him. None of it did, not even when he gave himself a stroke on purpose, or when he stepped directly in front of Chad Jones on purpose and survived without a scratch. Joe Adams, Arkansas wide receiver, may be unbreakable, or he may be the man who stares at goats (since the only reported success in that program came at the cost of self-inflicted heart damage.) Either way, leaving Chad Jones on the ground after a hit like that is durability of a spooky nature, especially since he suffered a stroke earlier this year. Like, a stroke. (Just a mild one. Take two BC and call us in the morning kind of stroke WHO ARE THESE PEOPLE AND WHAT LAB ARE THEY GROWN IN?) Hostage Situation Continues. Police negotiators continue to hold largely fruitless talks with an old man holding tens of thousands of civilians and one horse hostage in Tallahassee, Florida. When asked for details on a possible endgame, police suggested the situation could go on for up to 365 days or more. The Doomsday Scenario Team Speed Kills plays out the nightmare of all nightmare scenarios--well, at least the nightmare scenarios for all but the most anarchistic of college football fans--where the championship week round of games results in four open at-large slots in the BCS. If any of the bowls have a sense of humor at all, they'll extend an invitation to the 2004 Auburn team first, and then to 6-6 Notre Dame just to make everyone's heads explode. Variance: 100% Mark Ingram will be fine for the SEC Championship, per Nick Saban, who coached under Bill Belichick, who instilled a sense of deep respect for the veracity of injury reports submitted to the media in all his charges. Therefore, using the kind of logic NFL writers use, this report must be accurate because the coach looked me in the eye and told me himself. Ingram will backflip onto the field and have 240 yards rushing. Count it! No, that's about right: On the bowl selection process, courtesy of Bring Us Your Champions: Though Northwestern's bowl position is technically in the air, consensus seems to point towards the Champs Sports Bowl in Miami. The bowl selection process seems less rife with intrigue than last year, although I do enjoy that speculation about bowls involves the fact that Wisconsin has been to Florida too many times, a theory that posits that corporate executives who choose bowl pairings operate not unlike a cabal of warlords collaborating on an evening's gladiatorial festivities and dismissing teams with a "send them away they no longer amuse me" gesture. No, that's about right. Warlords in Tommy Bahama slacks, though. |
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