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BEHOLD THE FUTURE OF UGA MASCOTING: ROBODAWG

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robodawg

PETA really is onto something here: a robotic mascot prevents so many of the issues confronting universities who use live mascots while providing opportunities live mascots can never offer.

For instance:

Beer tap. Handy in all seasons, and retractable for encounters with the churchy types.

Never dies. Only requires the occasional servicing, parts exchange, and lube job. Just like Mike Patrick.

Memory can be erased. Hard drive can be wiped clean to remove unnecessary data like "games against Florida since 1991" and "2009 Georgia football."

Built-in taser. Handy for close sideline encounters with Auburn players or preventing struggling fifth-year senior quarterbacks from taking the field if necessary.

Natural aromatics. For men, the robot would excrete the odor of bacon and cinnamon buns. For ladies: pure extracted Rennie Curran pheromone.

Rear-mounted flamethrower. For intimidation, of course.

Built-in toaster. Don't lie. You'd use it.

Will never pass out on a bag of ice in the middle of a game. This privilege will now be reserved for Georgia fans, and not their mascot.

--Accidental detonation. Have mascot designed by Georgia Tech engineers. Request installation of formidable amount of plastic explosive installed with detonator installed on a key fob given to Vince Dooley. Send Robodawg home with Willie Martinez. Vince Dooley, sitting lakeside at dusk with glass of iced tea, presses the button. Georgia blames Tech's faulty engineering, destroys blueprints, and simply orders another one. Bang. Arang.