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This week's crop of picks covers a week so sparse and uninviting lichen might turn its most noselike organelles up at it. Thus, we return to the quiet, spare austerity of Japan's ancient poetry form, the haiku, to express our emotions regarding week 12's slate...which is mostly, like the majority of haiku, about staring at not much happening whatsover.


(10) Ohio State at Michigan


Understand: God is
Done with you, Wolverines, and
Charles Woodson is fat


This is not your fault
Greg Robinson. Blame
you, though? Feels so right.

North Carolina at Boston College


North Carolina
Throws passes down the field three
yards at a time. FAIL.


BC still alive
In hunt for chance to lose A-
CC title game

Oklahoma at Texas Tech


This one's completely
Inconsequential, which means
That Bob Stoops is safe


Red headed stepchild,
Come home. Bob Stoops, your daddy,
serves belt for dinner.

Connecticut at Notre Dame

Orson (As The Dude In The Bag From Audition)


UConn, team of pain.
(Real pain, not the funny kind
like Notre Dame's kind.)


Run up the score, Weis,
Browns need a new offensive

(14) Penn State at Michigan State

Holly, Who Will Apologize to the Chinese When they Apologize to Her for their Crimes:

Pitt '04, your
Title of worst BCS
Team is in peril


Spartans, Joe Pa kicks
Onside like a true master.

So yeah, you are fucked.

(8) LSU at Ole Miss

Orson-tsu Maru, The Delinquent Hello Kitty Character.

Coming off big win.
Favored. Should have easy win.
GIGGITY! You lose.

Holliikittabura, The Ancient Art of Belly Lint Calligraphy:

Favored by four points
(or any): Nutt's kiss of death.
And have a great day.

Vanderbilt at Tennessee

Holly, Whose Boyfriend Is The President.

Vols' clean record was
Looking almost Vandy-esque
Thanks a bunch, Nu'Keese

Orson, chugging whole cans of "Black Boss" Coffee.

Vandy has nearly
Perfect scoring strategy
If football were golf.

(25) California at (17) Stanford

Orson, Singing "More Than This" in an inside-out shirt.

Harbaugh tries two point
Conversion on a field goal.
Pac-10 refs: "Okay!"

Holly, Destroying Scale-Model Tokyo In A Foam Rubber Shark Suit.

Add new program: Stop
Toby Gerhart. TedfordBot
Shows blue screen of death

Kansas State at Nebraska

Holly, Giggling and Nodding Furiously In High-Pitched Voice.

Both teams still alive
In hunt for chance to lose the
Big 12 title game

Orson, Being Drowned By Hitman Monkey.

Picture 1

The autumn leaves stir.
Leaves fall. They lie, dead. Just like
Nebraska's offense.

(11) Oregon at Arizona

Orson, Wishing a North Korean Motherfucker Would.

Tucson is a great
town for home invasions. This
will be one of them.

Holly, Breaking A Rude Gentleman's Arm In Subway Car.

"Mike Stoops loses foot-
ball games" is a thing of the
Past. Except today.