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MACK BROWN SAYS YOU'RE LOBBYING WRONG, OU

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Blame our east coast bias. It keeps us from doing so many things endorsed by west coasters: veganism, watching football at 9 in the morning (you fucking savages!) and group sex (okay, no comment.) It sometimes delays picking up on stories from the West Coast, like this superb blurb from John Canzano of the Oregonian where he shares an email he received from Senior Associate Athletics Director Kenny Mossman:

Oklahoma’s three losses …

· By a total of five points.

· All on neutral or road fields.

· All versus ranked opponents.

Oh, you don't know the least bit about pageanting, Kenny Mossman. You play in a conference headed by the queen of pageanting, Mack Brown, whose girls never line up in the inevitable BCS post-season lineup without flawless mascara applied and hairdos blasted into place by a thousand empty cans of White Rain and ESPN appearances. Reminding people of close losses won't be enough, especially when your most worst loss came to a team later blown out at home by Florida State, and your only "quality" win came over "Baylor." If Mack Brown is the master tap-dancer getting twenties thrown in his hat on the subway platform, Oklahoma is the tuneless bucket drummer thwacking away spastically on an empty paint jug.

Pageanting will continue apace, especially if the nightmare Alabama-Florida rematch scenario occurs. It likely won't, but if that somehow happens, the campaigning will redefine whorish.