CURIOUS INDEX, 10/15/09

Tulsa, your jibes never cease!

Boise is not a State, there is no spoon, and a Golden Hurricane is not a sexual act you ever want to perform with someone you have to look in the eye more than the one time you exchange glances after handing over a month's rent for the act itself. The Golden Hurricanes, coached by stock photo policeman Todd Graham, made a game of it after malingering around at 28-14 against Boise in the fourth.

This proves several things. It shows that our coaching mentor, the legendary Featherton "Salty" Coddpease, was right in his seventh maxim "When you cannot succeed, malinger, and hope it becomes contagious before hitting hopeless long passes at random to get back in the game." Tulsa floated face down in the water until the pool skimmer knocked them back into life, and G.J Kinne hit passes of 36 and 55 yards to Slick Shelley for the TD to make the game a 28-21 affair. Slick Shelley will, after hearing you just had sex with a beautiful woman, go and instantly have sex with the nearest anything woman, because a man named Slick Shelley has to be a samurai level cocksman with a lofty pelt count.

It will also likely prove that Boise is still running up high in the polls thanks to a heady blend of fantasy and misplaced idealism, since they will drop no spaces for running close to a team Oklahoma incinerated with their backup qb, and are still floating on a.) beating Oregon, and b.) the lingering "oh well, they're Boise so we all know they're the Fiesta Bowl team of 2006 waiting to happen all over again." We would hope less for this team facing a team of national import in a BCS game, and more for them facing Techs Georgia or Texas in a game so points heavy a line judge is hospitalized for dehydration.

Oooh! Univac drops his new joint on Sunday! The first 2009 BCS standings will come out Sunday. The likely pairing of Florida and Alabama at the top will generate thoughtful, incisive conversation about the extremely remote--like, Ceti Alpha V remote--possibility of an Alabama/Florida rematch after a hypothetical and still very much undetermined SEC Championship game. HA we kid: this will result in split, hair-trigger mad editorials vacillating between wild SEC homerism ("'Bout time we had a REAL game!") and frothy SEC antipathy ("Your public schools suck, hilljacks!") Our public schools do suck, by the way, but wily hours spent playing craps in the back of Spanish class with 27 year old black dudes not even enrolled in the school did teach us a proper understanding of risk management, explaining the go-for-broke enthusiasm of Southern investors and our scary familiarity with the music of the 3-6 Mafia and Young Buck.

HOLY SHIT ELTORO'S BACK. Just a reminder that the best-named JUCO in all of college football will likely return this week to Auburn after injury: Eltoro Freeman. Ole! We're almost as excited as Muppet Golden Tate over this. (Almost.)

You don't tackle him so much as push and yell "TIMBERRRRRR!!!" Florida had five sacks against LSU and hopes to do more of the same with their "Joker" package, the one where they get Major Wright, Will Hill, and Ahmad Black on the field at the same time, put a pencil on a table standing pointy end up, and slam a qb's head into it quickly. More strategically put: the Joker is Florida's 3-3-5 look with Justin Trattou at the nose, and against Ryan Mallett they hope to throw enough oddball blitzes at him to bring the radio tower of a qb down in their matchup this weekend. Please note that in this article they joke about Rennie Curran having to jump to sack Mallett. That's okay. Lions have to jump to take down water buffalo sometimes, and that usually works out pretty well.

Great cities of the world: Riyadh, Monaco, Dallas. If it's an important game, Clipper Cooper must have his staggering ten minutes at the podium. He has a Lexus 350 you can just take if you really, really must drive something so tawdry, peasants.

Bonus link at no charge: Bucky looks good in a cape, but like most badgers he needs no outfit to enjoy the sweet taste of fresh flowing blood, because badgers are really just burly, antisocial Scottish minks with a lust for ripping flesh and a deep commitment to the principles of the Enlightenment. (Theory: Scottish people actually evolved from badgers when their genes craved the unknown but promising concept of a deep fryer. Prove it wrong--WE DARE YOU.)