We tackle EDSBS Live for the week with the four questions so pressing Giles Corey calls them heavy.

1. What assistant coach would you like to see your head coach punch? Like children, old people and mules, assistant coaches are forever in need of a solid punching. For your team, what assistant coach most needs a solid diet of knuckle sandwich until their idiocy is stopped either by behavior modification through violence or death? Georgia fans, we give you the courtesy of choosing two, because your anger is savory and spreads well on many delicious brands of cracker.

2. At the halfway mark, what team is bound to reach for the brass ring of excellence, slip, and fall to their death in a chasm of mediocrity? You cannot take Illinois, because they are already down there, or at least in mid-flight and realizing they have no parachute.

3. Name your game of the year thus far. The most fun we had watching any game thus far was Texas Tech/Houston. It wasn’t “important” with quotes and a full row of national importance medallions, but it was ridiculous free-fire offense when it counted and evenly matched defenses in between. The second most fun we had watching a game was watching Tennessee demolish Georgia, but only in the sense that watching something that should not happen unfold in front of your eyes is fun. Like spending Saturday night with a ball gag in your mouth, you wouldn’t define it as universally portable fun.

4. The remainder. The crux, if you will, that the rest depends on for your team. For instance: Florida’s game against South Carolina in Columbia looks like the greatest challenge on the schedule remaining. Win that, and you’ve faced the toughest defense you’ll face for the remainder of the year. If your team is currently sucking an exhaust pipe and praying for death, what game will be the most painful? Again, a Georgia fan gets two answers, because it makes the pleasure centers in our brain light up like blown transformers in a thunderstorm to hear it.

BYOB, and we’ll talk to you tonight at 9:00 EDT.

The Big Ten, superficially reviewed at the halfway point with the kind of hasty contempt you’ve come to expect from an SEC-affiliated blog.

1. Iowa Hello. You’re looking beautiful tonight, little lady. Thought we’d swing by Outback in a while. Get some…hot meat. You may notice my my stellar resume. Bulging pants, check. 67th in the nation in total offense without a running attack of any sort? Oh, check. I don’t do it on the ground, though, baby. That’s for animals. I want it standing up right here, dishing it to you like Ricky Stanzi in the pocket. Oh, I’m only gonna put it in the right place one out of every three times.

When I do, though? Magic happens baby. With the kind of D I sling, you only need to hit it once out of every three times. You seem nervous, baby. Don’t fight this. You know you want it. Remember that you always feel dirty after three good things: an Iowa victory, a hard workout, and being rolled out of the door of my car into a ditch at 30 miles an hour. If you’re lucky, a Saturday night with me’s gonna feature all three.

You’re not feeling it? Whatever, lady. That Wisconsin chick is looking pretty tipsy over there. She looks like she wants a blast of Vitamin F, ifyaknowhattamean.

2. Ohio State. Grimly fingerbanging its way through its schedule without having to resort to actually using the designed implement for scoring, Ohio State is saving putting it in the endzone properly for marriage but using all kinds of football outercourse to protect its chastity. (more…)

Oh, make fun of them if you like. That’s genuine affection, the kind you would feel for another man if you weren’t secretly afraid that you would get close and want to feel his rough stubble on your neck, his strong hands caressing your back, his muscular thighs grasping the horse you’re both riding through wine country, the…um…we’re sorry. You were saying?

A few helpful graphs from the current college season for your perusal. Our data? Spotless, and don’t even ask.

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