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Burn down the mission. Thematically appropriate for so many reasons this week. One, because of the mobs at Florida State wanting to burn down the mission, see where the fat stock hides, and get whatever the future there is going be underway, since they've been stuck on a 2002 repeat for the past seven years and have trustees doing odd, un-trustee-like behavior in the name of football coupdom. Two, because like the protagonist in the song, we'll be watching something burn down this weekend--namely our rental car, our last route of escape out of Baton Rouge. To the Winchester, then!

Dez Bryant Stars In Very Important Episode of The NCAA Freaks Out on Your Lying Ass.
Dez Bryant will likely return after a few weeks of suspension for lying to the NCAA about visiting Deion Sanders in the offseason, but in the meantime let's chalk up another bizarrely bipolar response. Program violation, rubber mallet; individual violation, orbital death ray, deployed. The next three weeks are manageable without him: TAMU, Mizzou, and the dessicated corpse of Baylor's season await before the Cowboys meet Texas in T. Boone Pickens Enormous Proxy Penis of a Stadium Far Richer and More Fantastic Than Even the Glitziest of Your Sad Prole Dreams. (Oxygen rights belong to T. Boone; pay $7 breathing fee at gate.)

We get less Kosher and vegan in the snap of one ACL. The pancake-pounding Kosher vegan long-hair wearing, book-a-week devouring oddball of Florida's offensive line, Matt Patchan, is out for the year after snapping the Always Crumbling Ligament in his right knee in non-contact drills. He will heal well, since he has already survived a leg injury last year, a scooter accident earlier this year, and being hit by a stray bullet in Tampa his freshman year. (Oh, you like him already. Don't deny it.)

Patchan was not a starter but had seen significant playing time on the line. He will be replaced in the rotation by, among others, freshman Nick Alajajian. Can't go wrong with an Armenian on the line, especially if we can convince him that Rahim Allen is part Turkish.

Gator Lock. Go ahead. We dare you to call. Urban Meyer feels so secure about his identity you can call away, LSU fans.

No interviews, please. Bart Eddins may be in the process of losing his job on the Auburn offensive line, but at least he's still chipper about his lack of stardom.

"I’m sorry guys, I don’t have time for any interviews today," he’s said on more than one occasion, drawing guaranteed guffaws from the gallery. He usually follows it up with some sort of urgent homework emergency: "I’m a student and an athlete."

If you are familiar with the academic demands made of Auburn football players, it gets even funnier.