CURIOUS INDEX, 10/6/09

Just like a woman. Ma Swindle had one of those dinners you had to go to once where they pay a coach to speak at length about life, football, and how it is all like business, really, once you forget that one is a game played at their level by 18-22 year old kids with academic issues, and the other can involve the selling of things like propane and propane-related products on the open market.

She went to one with Lou Holtz once. He was fantastic: loopy, full of insane anecdotes of no particular relevance to the moment, but otherwise a charming huckster ready to go and breeze away with the evening. On another occasion, the speaker was Bobby Bowden, who she described as "A sexist pig."

Just like a woman to say something like that, you know, opening her mouth and all. Freek has the metaphorical goodness, while Deion Sanders plays the squeaky, atonal clarinet of his brain, looks at the camera, and says "Never had a lesson!"

It just angers me that you are going to kill a man while he's alive.

We prefer to kill people when they're dead. The charges really don't compare to the mess you get killing someone when they're alive.

When will Tim Tebow be cleared? Answer: before he should, most likely, by Dr. Forhire. HEY R U A DOKTUR? Yes. If you're asking that question regarding concussions, you're stupid enough to take the answer of "Yes, and holding a degree from the Trinidadian School of Medicine and Air Conditioning Repair" without looking too closely. You have a Dan Brown book on tape to be listening to, don't you?

We apologize for the error. Look for further errors this Saturday, and further apologies. Rogers Redding admits the unsportsmanlike call on AJ Green was incorrectly called, though he defends the call on Charles Scott made immediately afterwards, which was by degrees less subtle but just as incorrect. A really simple adjustment to make on this would be limiting celebrations to a three count no matter what they were outside of the throat-slash, baby-punt, cock-slap, tea-bag, ass-brand, face-rape, puppy-decapitation, or other antisocial, negative celebrations. But that would be simple, and would take the fun out of mostly white, middle-aged men judging the intent of young black men's pantomime following emotional and exhilarating moments in sporting competition. "I think he's spinning the ball and pretending it's a fire, Steve, and thus warming his hands by its released potential energy."

Because they can spare wideouts now. Brandon Warren, junior wideout for Tennessee, has been given Das Boot from the program for having a bad 'tude. But this means the offense will just be Montario Hardesty now! Meaning nothing's changed.

Access Hollywood crushes your dreams. Viewers in the Chicagoland area were subjected to a break-in from an automatically scheduled broadcast of Access Hollywood at a critical moment in the Washington/Notre Dame game. It was momentary, but it scarred deeply enough to necessitate the use of puppet therapy to recover.