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HOWARD SCHELLENBERGER'S COACHES POLL BALLOT

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1. Suspenders, for the 38th week in a row.

2. Horseshoes. I eat one a week whether I need it or not. For the iron, mostly, but sometimes just for the taste.

3. SMU. Knocking them back a notch or two because of their pisspoor performance against Mrphmrphlgrmble State this week.


Makes just as much sense as any other coaches' ballot.

.4. Cal. Gettin' a real feeling about this team.

5. Jupiter. A planet that wears paisley is a heavenly body you can trust. Unlike you, Gina Lollabrigida, you beautiful minxy whore, you.

6. The Nash Rambler. Only car I've ever been able to drive to Cuba and back without a problem. Good tight seal on those windows.

7. Turfman's NEW! Combination Pomade and Edible Fiber Spread For Tense Cowpokes. Keeps the hair in place and the pipes flowing. Can't argue with something that does both.

8. Topeka. Always enjoyed a nice ramble through the beautiful city where "vagrant" is just another word for "friend."

9. Anteaters. A loyal pet, a beautiful animal, a better friend, and a meat whose fragrance will haunt your dreams.

10. Beets. Always loved 'em, but you gotta remember you ate 'em, because they'll give you quite a scare the next day if you forgot you ate them.

11. A well-creased pocket square. It's the badge that says you're a Sergeant in the Fashion Police, a Colonel in the Army of Good Taste, and an Admiral in the Sex Navy.

New Orleans Bowl Football
Everyone not named Howard Schnellenberger died within seconds of this photo being taken.

12. Around the World In Eighty Days. Still can't believe it can be done, but that's why they call it fantasy, no?

13. Oklahoma State. Because I believe in Les Miles, and I'm not alone.

14. Golf Course Ball Washers. Best way to wash a fresh tangerine ever made, and you'll crave the grassy taste of the soap after a few tries.

15. Mountain Central Time. It's the most grizzled of time zones.

16. A well honed spatula. A spankin' rod, meat-flipper, fly-swatter, wife-tamer, brawl-winner, back-scratcher, Bondo-spreader, and pocket shovel all in one.

17. Marie Claire. It's the thinking lady's women's magazine.

18. Wicker furniture. It's for sitting and eating.

19. Mad Men. I'm not immune, but Don Draper needs someone to tell him how to dress. He looks like a Dago shineboy out there.

20. Deviled Ham. Like regular ham, but without the pesky chewing. You get a free empty can with each purchase, too.

21. Mosquitoes. We'd all have too much blood without 'em.

22. Catching golf balls hit off the cruise ships. Gotta go a few miles out, but you'll never have a better time. Mind 'em when they start skeet-shooting, though. Buckshot's bracing, but you'll never find a better exfoliant.

23. Singapore. That's a port where they treat a man like a man, and a woman like a man, and a horse like a woman.

24. Ceiling fans. All the entertainment you need on a Saturday night. Love how they stay still while the rest of the room spins around 'em.

25. TSA. Bumped 'em down ever since they stopped asking to strip search me.