Welcome to our Factor Five Five Factor Preview Georgia Tech at Miami. The Factor Five Five Factor Preview examines the necessaries and completely arbitraries of the official beginning of your weekend, the Thursday Night special featuring the Boys' Club (Jesse Palmer imitations! Chris Fowler roaring with unrestrained glee! Everyone looking at Erin Andrews, and then looking away ashamedly! Craig James doing the broadcast with his finger stuck in a Diet Pepsi can, "Cause it got stuck that way, ma!")
Georgia Tech hopes to avoid the curse of being Factor'd for the second week in a row as the Factor Five favorite, since they actually won in this spot last week and thus broke the curse of being the favored team.
Category one: Nebulous Statistical Comparisons of Dubious Validity. For Georgia Tech, that number will be 472, or the number of yards allowed in this matchup last year by the Miami defense to Tech's offense. Miami's defense spent most of last year lunging at bright lights, tackling giant invisible rabbits, and laying down on the turf weeping when faced with an option play, and by the fourth quarter had given up hope altogether by allowing Lucas Cox, Tech's geology-back, to take a leisurely continental drift up the middle for a long touchdown. Miami must not allow anything close this yardage to stay in the game, or else the Angel of Death arrives for them in the fourth quarter running a 5.2 and sending the Tech bench into gusts of laughter at a white fullback outrunning Miami LBs into the endzone. A possession back running loose in a blowout will and should do that to an audience.
For Miami, that number is ROOM 222 BAILAMOS CHICAS!!!
Apologies. A dance break was clearly in order.
Hotel, motel, Holiday Inn: Jacory Harris only got sacked twice against FSU, and then had his lodging of choice with ample-assed boricuas, aerobicized white girls from Coral Gables, well-waxed Cubanas, and Overtown sistas with his name tattooed in his mouth following his 386 yard, 2 TD performance against Florida State.
The gaudy yardage posted by the Afro Butterfly isn't the key number, however. The number of concern should be 2, the interceptions Harris threw, of particular importance due to the necessity of staying ahead of possessions against Tech. Once they get the ball they can squat on it for days, so maintaining even opportunities for Miami to score against a potentially clock-grinding Tech offense is of paramount importance for the young Harris. Do that, and the hotels, motels, Holiday Inns, and abandoned beach chairs of Dade County will be open to you yet again, young man.
Cutting down on the INTs could be significantly easier if Miami runs for more than 90 yards, a likelihood given Clemson's 121 against the Jackets last Thursday.
Miami, You've Been Factor'd! (BITCH) (BECAUSE IT'S MIAMI) (BITCH)
Category Two: Mascot: Sebastian the Ibis does have his upside. He's violent.
He is the only mascot we know of to be shot in the line of duty, though it may surprise you to note that this did not happen in Miami, but instead in New Orleans, a place so sketchy even Miamians consider dodgy business. He also dances frequently, drives a tricked out Hummer around campus, and is the alleged father of Gloria Estefan's third child. He has his resume, and it is impressive.
Sadly, Sebastian is not Buzz, and does not eat members of the Georgia Tech band on command.
Advantage: Georgia Tech.
Georgia Tech, you've been factor'd!
Category Three: Aura. As limp as the homefield advantage for Miami might be in Landshark/Pro Player/ Joe Robbie/ The Coke Bowl might be, it still has the charm of being filled with Miami fans--who, shockingly enough, suspect you are both physically weak AND A HOMOSEXUAL, SIR? They're an underrated home presence as long as Miami's in the game, and are usually drunker than normal fans thanks to free and legal beer sales in stadium. It's a nasty fanbase when even the nice men in wheelchairs want you dead and rotting facedown in an abandoned corner of the Everglades.
"Fuck you and your gay camera, Mr. Walking Asshole."
The team is on a testosterone upswing, too, having beaten a rival and discovered some semblance of offense.
Miami, You've Been Factor'd! (BITCH)(BECAUSE IT'S DA U)
Category Four: Names.Tech's roster, being bland, loses instantly to Da U's roster of fine, musical monikers.
Ramon "Cookie" Buchanan
Ray Ray Armstrong
Miami, You've been factor'd! (BITCH) (STARTS FIGHT IN TUNNEL)
Grudges? Scores to settle? Sheer cussedness? For Miami, certainly. Chan Gailey played the part of "The mediocre coach who nonetheless owned one team lock, stock, and barrel," and for additional LULZ, and who doubled the pain by pawning off offensive coordinator/aspiring insurance salesman Patrick Nix on Randy Shannon, who then installed Nix and his offense in Coral Gables, leading Miami fans to question Shannon's eptitude and local gun laws concerning the penalties re: ownership of high-grade military-quality sniper rifles. (We kid. Miami resdients don't consult legal code of any sort before doing anything.)
Four in a row for Tech is one of the sure signs that Miami is at an ebb, program-wise. A win could reinforce the notion they are ascending from the depths of idiocrity, while a loss prolongs one of the nation's odder win streaks of historical bullies being beaten senseless by furious geeks.
Miami, you've been factor'd! (BITCH) (SHAVES U LOGO INTO BACK HAIR)
EDSBS FACTOR FIVE FIVE FACTOR PREVIEW SUM: 4-1, Miami You've Been Factor'd! Reminder: THIS MEANS BET ON THE OTHER TEAM. It's the counterindicator of counterindicators, though the Factor Five is 1-1 on the season after Tech dodged the curse of the F5 endorsement last week by actually beating Clemson. Still, a vote in your direction, Miami, does not bode well for the prospects of Tech not calculating a fifth win out of the 'Canes. Still, remember that Miami backwards spells "I Maim," and no one can take that amusing and truthful coincidence away from you.