1. Catfish are wily. You know why some catfish grow to be a godzillion feet long under riverbanks, undisturbed for decades on end? Because they're clever motherfuckers, that's why. Won't win any Academic All-American honors, but the catfish's ability to quickly and accurately distinguish between friend and foe would prevent situations like, say, staring down and throwing directly to a UCLA cornerback when there's a wide-open receiver ten goddamn yards away.
2. The physicality of a catfish is ideally suited to the Tennessee offense. We're not asking for much this year. We have a stable of fine tailbacks, a depleted receiving corps, and a talented but overwhelmingly injured offensive line.
All Tennessee needs out of its quarterback is a marked lack of fuck-uppery, and we'll be golden. The large lower fins of the catfish are ideal for handoffs, and its lack of fingers will provide an added layer of security to the center exchange, something our current (5th-year) (D-IA) (starting) signal-caller has been apparently unable to master. Additionally, the catfish's long and sensitive whiskers will serve as ideal tools for detecting the pass rush.
3. Even the physical limitations of starting a large fish at quarterback can be turned to Tennessee's advantage. With no arms to speak of, the catfish cannot throw, but nor can he attempt to wing the ball behind him mid-sack like he's motherfucking Joe Montana. Joe Montana, Jonathan Crompton is not. Nor is a catfish, but at least the catfish knows this.
4. Catfish are a renewable resource. With the aforementioned O-Line woes, having a readily replaceable presence under center makes sense, in a conservative old-guard way sure to be appreciated by the Volunteer faithful.
5. Failing all else, catfish are delicious. If Saturday goes ill, no one would think twice about gutting, filleting, battering, and deep-frying a fish. Doing the same to humans is generally frowned upon.*
*unless in Baton Rouge, and no, we don't play them this year.
PAID FOR BY The Orange Citizens For Catfish Quarterbacking Trust: Because you can't teach football smarts, and you can't fix football stupids.