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CURIOUS INDEX, 9/14/09

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Morning Wood, SEC Style. UF Mike, thank you:

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Image: Kevin Cox, Getty Images.

Other notable image juxtaposition may be found here, Thrilla-in Manila style.

Tennessee coaches lack the textbook on how to be a former coach. Read between the line here, and you will see two very clear sentences written in red donut frosting:

"We didn’t have a very good season last year. I certainly take full responsibility for that. And now it’s (Kiffin’s) turn to do it as he thinks he needs to do it. But the problem in this league is you’re going to play great football teams every week once you get into the Southeastern Conference schedule. So, if you’re going to be brash, you’d better be able to back it up."

One: "I'm going to be just as bitchy in retirement to my successor/usurper as Johnny Majors was to me," and two, "ME WANT HAM DONUT NOM NOM NOM NOM." Kiffin, to his credit as someone who can affix proper adjectives to reality, called Tennessee's performance "embarrassing," and recognized in a post-game show that the Vols had no ability to pass the ball whatsoever. Giant catfish is on the bench, just waiting or his chance, Coach. HATE WEEK STARTS NOW.

Let's just all go overboard now WHHEEEEEE. Two passes do not a legend make, and Matt Barkley's decent-to-good performance against Ohio State was owed more to the devastating blocking of USC's o-line late than Barkley channeling Elway late. His march toward instant enshrinement as THE GREATEST QB EVAR may already be in jeopardy due to a bruised shoulder, which may force him to miss the Washington game. Aaron Corp and his only slightly fractured leg will take over. No one seems to be very concerned by this, because they are USC and concern does not help you win forever.

UW's Quentin Richardson, meanwhile, guaranteed a win by UW over the Trojans. Go big or go home, indeed, though he and running back Chris Polk have their reasons. You don't just get away with photoshopping someone as Al Bundy, Trojan fans.

"They put my face on Al Bundy’s body," he said, referring to a character from the 1990s television show Married With Children. "So I feel like I’ve got to prove myself."

That's fucking right, USC fans. No way you accuse him of being America's most beloved failure of a shoe salesman, or of having a stacked Amazon of a wife in gold lame pants. (Peg Bundy can get it, too. Anytime, even now that she's divorced Al, moved to rural Utah, and taken up with a biker gang.)

Headscratchy. Eleven Warriors gets itchy metaphorical scalp over some of Jim Tressel's gametime decisions. No better contrast between Carroll and Tressel can be found outside of the last USC drive of the first half. Sitting with :48 on the clock, Pete Carroll elected to maximize the time on the clock and go for points. The Trojans got a field goal where Tressel would have squatted on the clock, and Pete Carroll put Tressel's checkers into check mate.

We have this tattoo on our ass. Except on us, it reads "God's Gift" (to Dockers suppliers and other makers of pants designed for the bigger-butted man. Holla at Dave Barry!)