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SWINE FLU TURNS TERRENCE CODY INTO NATION'S LARGEST MISERABLE OBJECT

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Terrence Cody is sick with symptoms consistent with those of swine flu, something the 8995 pound Alabama defensive tackle acquired from any number of the whole pigs he ate yesterday. He and "four or five guys" are being quarantined to keep the virus (whatever it is) from spreading to the rest of the team, but let's go back to the news that Terrence Cody is sick, and acknowledge that the single largest concentration of human misery in the world today is a mass of humanity straining the springs of a mattress in a dorm room in Tuscaloosa. His is the one with a hose hooked up to a tanker truck of Rib 'n Gravy-flavored Gatorade snaking through the window.

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"That's the last time we take the team swimming at Pigshit Springs."

Best wishes to our favorite national park/defensive tackle. In the meantime, swine flu has a 7 percent mortality rate. If you are a scholarship player at Alabama and you get a sudden switch of roommates, and that roommate walks in sniffling and openly sneezing all over everything? Consider that a message from coach, because scholarships don't trim themselves, son.