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Christmas Ape Rides Again.

Today we interview Michael Tunison, author of The Football Fan's Manifesto and one of the founders of Kissing Suzy Kolber. His book is quite funny, and like all great reading fits on the back of a toilet for convenience of reading. It can also double as toilet paper in a pinch-strike unfortunate words-jiffy. You should buy it. Here's the interview.

OS: What other purposes can your book serve besides tiring and unnecessary reading? Which fatigues the eyes, bothers the placid brain, and excites overly tense nerves?

MT: If you prop it up with a twig and place a small sliver of cheese with a string attached beneath it, there's a good chance you could catch one of those sprites from Pan's Labyrinth.

OS: You went to Maryland, therefore it is not your fault you don't grok college football. What elements of the college game, though, would improve the soulless, corporate air of a pro football game?

MT: Definitely boosters. They really embody the innocent play-for-the-fun-of-it ethos of the college game. Also, a College Gameday-like broadcast would be nice.

OS: As unofficial arbiter of pro football fan ethics, what does one make of college fans who choose pro allegiances based on favored college players?

MT: I presume you are making reference to yourself and your eventual leap to Chiefs fandom when they draft Tebow and attempt to make him into a tight end. More to the point, I make the point in the book that as long as pro allegiances are made early enough in life, whatever asinine reason you have for liking that team is fine. In the case you mentioned, that could be problematic. Which one player do you use for the basis of your fandom? Once you commit, that's it.

OS: Who is the more gay-friendly mascot: Steely McBeam or Sparty?

MT: Tough one. Steely's got that retro-'70s charm, but Sparty has epaulets. Gotta go with Sparty. Did you ever see 300? More gay-friendly than 13 non shuttered gay steel mills.

OS: I pity pro fans for the cognitive damage inflicted on them by NFL commentary.

MT: /awaits question

OS: How many inches of bathwater could drown Merrill Hoge: three, four, or "he could choke facedown in a glass of water."

MT: Trick question - you must drown him in wienie brine.

OS: As an amateur Sinophile and fan of all things East Asian, I must know: where did you get the ability to write in a completely authentic Korean dialect?

MT: Rockville, Maryland (D.C. SUBURBS HUMOR!)

OS:: Velly funny

MT: Numbel one funnytime broggel

OS: What are some tasteful NFL players names to scream out during the moment of greatest intimacy and pleasure?

MT: Channing Crowder and Stylez G. White.

OS: I like Peria Jerry of Atlanta. You can say in action it like a black preacher. PER-ya JER-ry.

MT: Only reason he's on the roster.

OS: What NFL fanbase would turn to cannibalism first in a crisis?

MT: Raiders, obvs. In fact, they don't need a crisis.

OS: You did not attend an ivy league college. Why are you allowed to write a book?

MT: I used to work for WaPo, so HarperCollins must have just assumed that I did. So let's keep it down, huh?

Michael Tunison writes for Kissing Suzy Kolber and the Sporting Blog when he is not producing classics of American sports subgenre humor. He lives alone with a cat.