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ALTERNATE HISTORIES, VOL. 1: A SIMPLE FISHING TRIP

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THE INCIDENT AS SEEN BY AN ALABAMA FAN.

A serene morning on the Alabama Gulf Coast. A small, modest fishing vessel passes along the coast.

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Mark: I'm so glad we're out here fishing on this peaceful and serene water this morning.

Julio: Me too, Mark. But only after we fulfilled our duties as football players, and as student-athletes, and as people, first. Real, character people.

Mark: Which is why we've come on this fishing trip. Not for ourselves, though I'm sure I'm going to enjoy it. Won't you, Julio?

Julio: Oh, of course. Hey, look!

They both land fifty pound tuna simultaneously.

Mark and Julio: WOW!!!

Curtis Anderson: Thank you, boys, for helping an old, crippled man taste the sweet flavor of the outdoors again. It's like I'm fully alive again. Thank you, boys, for making that possible.

BOOM! A sunburst appears, and a hole in the clouds opens to show NICK SABAN addressing them from the heavens.

Nick Saban: Don't you mean men, Curtis?

Nick Saban: [/gives the thumbs up. Bear Bryant appears in the background with a sign and arrow pointing to Saban. It reads: UNSTOPPABLE BADASS. Saban puts arm around Bear Bryant, disappears.]

FIN

PART TWO: THE INCIDENT AS SEEN BY AN AUBURN FAN

A four hundred foot yacht. MARK INGRAM AND JULIO JONES arrive by helicopter.

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Curtis Anderson, crippled international arms dealer and villain: Boys, welcome to my yacht...The Bear Essentials. Winks suggestively.

Mark Ingram: Are those ladies naked?

Anderson: No. Some of them are wearing money stapled to their genitals and nipples.

Julio Jones: I'll take twenty.

Anderson: Not before you take a little...swim.

Ingram/Jones: A SWIMMING POOL FULL OF MONEY!!!

Anderson: Not just money, boys: money COVERED IN STEROIDS!!!

Ingram/Jones: That's the best kind!!! WHEEEE!!!!

They dive in.