August 20, 2025
TOP 25 SECURITY RANKINGS: NORTH CAROLINA
We rate the top 25 estimates by national security. Nerd up, geek out, and follow along for number 20, North Carolina.
20. North Carolina.
Companion Country: Spain.
Do road flares come in Carolina blue? Because if so, that would be great, thanks.
Because they have a recent modest upswing going, and would still rather be playing basketball or soccer than college football; have produced luminary after luminary despite being a rather aggregate meh as a collective unit; do well enough despite being surrounded by and trampled upon by more aggressive regional rivals; because they border at least one third-world state, have a cultural passion for ham, are more well-off than you might think at first glance, and thrive despite hilly, often inhospitable terrain.
North Carolina has managed to produce Lawrence Taylor, Willie Parker, Julius Peppers, Dre Bly, and a sackful of NFL talent and famed collegians despite an overall program record just floating above .500 and a local interest base best described as “August and Septembertastic.” (more…)
OH, BRAVO, NINJA COMPLIANCE OFFICER
THIS IS NINJA COMPLIANCE OFFICER. HE STRIKES AT ANY TIME. HIS SILENCE IS HIS WEAPON. HIS STEALTH IS HIS SHIELD. YOUR DEATH IS HIS FOOD. IF HE CANNOT GET FOOD, HE WILL TAKE YOUR REMAINING ELIGIBILITY AS AN APPETIZER, THANK YOU VERY MUCH.
Balogun stopped Florida running back Chris Rainey for a 3-yard loss on a play early in the first half. As Fox commentators told the story about Balogun playing semi-professional football before his college career, it reminded Florida State officials of a similar case for them.
Ryan Balogun, senior Oklahoma linebacker, may lose his senior year due to his having played for the semi-pro NAFL, a penalty that struck Florida State in the case of Corey Surrency, who lost his eligibility thanks to a similar case.
So, while watching the game and listening to Brennaman and Charles Davis wholesale slaughter the concept of calling a football game with rusty machetes, the FSU compliance officials struck back and phoned in Oklahoma for the same deal. Florida State and Oklahoma play each other in a home and home next year. This is how you spell instant fun, and is further proof that the BCS on Fox (save for Vasgersian’s “beer truck” call) ruins everything.
BOBBY BOWDEN’S LITTLE VOICE OFFERS A SOLUTION
Orlando Sentinel, August 11th:
” “But now I can — let me say this,” he continued with a smile, “if not for the prostate, I could sleep all night. But there’s this little voice (that wakes him up numerous times during the night) that says, ‘Bobby, it’s time.’ ”
Bowden-Tara, 3:30 a.m. Jeff Bowden, manservant, enters with the cup of warm pudding.
Jeff: You really should sleep, sir.
Bowden: I can’t. I can’t stop thinking about ‘em.
Jeff: Suh, you really should-
Bowden: I’ve got to do something. They can’t just take my wins-
[Bobby Bowden's Prostate enters the room.] (more…)
CURIOUS INDEX, 8/20/09
Bring back the state logo! We don’t know what grips us about this clip: the 70s-looking crowd (not follicularly challenged!), the slow, NFL Films cinematic quality of the film, the grey snowlight suffusing everything in the clip, Jack Fleming’s voice, or the badass West Virginia state logo on the fifty. It’s probably the awesome state logo, which the following states are allowed and encouraged by the EDSBS Committee To Keep College Football Awesome: Texas (because it’s Texas,) West Virginia (because WEST VIRGINIA, BITCH, that’s why,) and Tennessee (unusual shape.) All other states will look like amorphous blobs of no purpose except for Florida and California, and no one really wants big geographicalish dong-shapes strewn out on the middle of their field, anyway. Oh, and definitely not Virginia or South Carolina, since getting them all excited and patriotic about their states worked out so well last time. Marques Slocum wants you to clarify what kind of lion you’re discussing. Chris Neild, WVU nose tackle, has a thing for lions. The roary, hunting, cat kind, that is: “I love lions. I wish I could have one as a pet, but I don’t know how that would work out,” Neild said. “I’m trying to get a lion [tattoo] on my back, but I’ve got too much hair back there.” Considering the lack of zoning laws in West Virginia, this dream is probably just a few bales of chicken wire and a covert late-night trip to an underfunded zoo away. (HT: Frank.) It would be at a bar called Gator’s Cafe. Tyler Moeller’s case may be a bit murkier than previously thought, though on a reread the various accounts add up to “a lot of people being assdrunk in a bar and arguing over dicknothing until violence breaks out, and then someone lands a low-probability brain-damaging punch.” Your standard family reunion, in other words. Meanwhile, OSU fans are hunting Ralph Decker online, which is a fine outcome considering the possibilities: if LSU fans were hunting him, he’d be a happy memory in a gumbo pot and eight well seasoned strips of human jerky. All part of the plan, again. Freshman running back Bryce Brown has been declared ineligible by the NCAA, something the University of Tennessee is appealing, but was all part of the plan according to Lane Kiffin, who said that the plan is to get the NCAA looking at how good their compliance officials are so they can avoid scrutiny in the future. Oh, and it gives Bryce time to become even stronger and faster, and work in reps for the other running backs. Really, this was all planned. Part of the master plan. Plan. Pla. [/whistles, idly texts recruit, looks at ceiling.] This really has less to do with Brown’s high school fundraising for football clinics, and more likely is a twofold pressure move by the NCAA to push back a bit against secondary violations (minor accent) and to discourage the use of We have sacked those responsible for the sacking. The SEC has been sent a protest letter by the AP Sports Editors and two other news agencies, which is funny, because the AP should be the last people to be lecturing anyone on digital rights mismanagement and a failure to understand digital media. The SEC is already backtracking and modifying much of the policies regarding Twitter, Facebook, and the like, so really the AP can take that stick over there and have a good, hard, pantsless sit on it.
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