August 19, 2025
TOP 25 SECURITY RANKINGS: IOWA
We rate the top 25 estimates by national security. Nerd up, geek out, and follow along for number 21, Iowa.
21. Iowa.
Companion Country: Singapore. Or if you think it strange, clearly you’ve never been to Iowa City:
We’ll sail tonight for Iowa
The city’s made of Bud Light cans
Rode my moped through some cops
Stacked my cheese and ate it
Got drunk with THE COACH-US SON
Beat Cocks in the Outback Bowl
Our quarterback’s efficient yes,
Our road schedule says, “Go see Jim Tress”
We hope for a Nine. And. Three.
Iowa is its own little island of football success despite the odds: only 3 million people in the entire state, and fewer still capable of running a 40 yard dash in less than 5 seconds. (Actually, Singapore with 4.5 million is bigger.) Yet like the tiniest of Asian tigers, Singapore managed to find success thanks to the strong hand of a dynamic leader who spawned a generation of young technocrats-including his lesser successor, Kirk Ferentz. (more…)
OMG TIM TEBOW SHIRTLESS!!!
Whatever. Tebow’s just following a trend Jimmy Johnson started three years ago with his famous cover appearance on Shirtless Drifter Digest.
NICK SABAN TELLS ROOM FULL OF REPORTERS TO PEE SITTING DOWN
There really should be a collection of Nick Saban’s finest press moments cut together for the benefit of the general public. Nick Saban will not go off on a long, absurd tirade in the fine tradition of Denny Green or Jim Mora, or challenge other coaches to fights, or even berate a reporter individually in full freak-out mode like Mike Gundy. That would be too personal.
Nick Saban addresses a waiting media.
Instead, Saban just stumbles around a rhetorical corner, bumps into a crew of dudes, and just starts simultaneously swinging and pissing on all of them to mark his territory and let a horrified group of people know that even though they weren’t expecting to have lunch with Johnny Cockpunch today, they’re sitting at the table whether they like it or not. And for lunch, yeah: it’s cockpunching time for reporters who dare to speculate about the depth chart.
“We let you come to practice. If you’re going to speculate on the depth chart and who’s starting at what positions, then I’m going to close practice — for everybody,” Saban said. “So nobody’s going to get to come at all.
“When you say one guy’s starting in the newspaper and he’s really not starting, that makes the guy that is starting come up to me and say, ‘Why are they putting it in the paper that I’m not starting?’”
Saban said depth chart issues should be solved internally before they are dispersed to the public.
Saban then commanded them to all pee sitting down for the rest of the week, and told them they would be checking in on them at any second to make sure they were doing what he said. He then took a dollar from each reporter for protection, and then left the room while slowly walking backwards and doing the two fingered “I’m-watching-you” gesture, pointing first at his eyes, and then at them, and then back again.
CURIOUS INDEX, 8/19/09
We gettin’ wasted like them white boys. Celebrate, pop various bottles of champ, and then be sure to tweet about it: you may now, within reasonable limits, tweet away at SEC football games. Get down, Haverchucks of the world! This is all an adjustment on the fly by Charles Bloom and the SEC burghers who, surveying the absurdities they had created with their new policy, had to tweak in order to prevent the shrieking of twitch-fingered media types. Now you may rest assured that if there are Chick-Fil-A sandwiches in the booth at the SEC Championship (and there always are) then you will be the first to know it via Twitter, or even better through our new Twitter competitor, the 30 characters only “Gibbrsh.com.” You still can’t post eight minutes of SEC highlights in a row, but fair use and discretion will probably allow for sensible use of video as long as you aren’t cutting it with porn. (If you are, you know our email, and be quick with it.) Also we’d like to congratulate the SEC on their deep and thoughtful use of Walter Benjamin’s theories on reproduction in the Age of Mechanical Reproduction. English majors: we make the world make sense, but only when everything else has failed and lies smoking on the turf. (HT: Mashable.) Under useless investigation: Bryce Brown, who like many other players had money raised for him to attend football camps, and who unlike many other players had a professional-type svengali coordinate his recruitment, meaning he gets an NCAA investigation to determine whether he’s still an amateur, technically, and everyone else just gets to go on in a world where the NCAA is irrelevant and distant, like the emperor in Beijing when you’re running guns on the edge of Tibet. Yeah, that’s where we went to high school. Treasure Island. You know what they say about Treasure Island, Jake. Playerfluff, Big 12 edition. This repeats everything you may have ever heard about Todd Reesing: small, charismatic, laden with Kansas passing records…but fuck it. Marky M never lie, and Todd Reesing and his Economist-reading, cougar-grinding ass deserve all the pub he’s going to get as a 5′ 10″ quarterback in the middle of the continent. Take the verbiage where you can get it, Todd. We like the jetski. Notre Dame went to the lake to cool off this past weekend, and had to improvise to find an appropriate watercraft for Chris Stewart to tool around the lake in, because he was both too big for jet skis, and because the whales are the only ones who truly understand him. |
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