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--Step two of an arms race with Brandon Spikes for title most outrageously masculine Florida player. Spikes will counter by playing with a falcon on his shoulder; Tebow will counter with eyepatch; Spikes will cut own leg off, adopt pegleg, and still finish second in the nation in tackles for loss.

--Its forceful barbs prevent against any unwanted lusty sitting upon, like a park bench with the anti-homeless bar mounted in the middle.

--It shows up whether he shaves or not, just like the robes and two of every animal in the world sitting in his backyard daily.

--It's not a beard, it's a cowcatcher mounted on the front of a pain train.

--He's growing it for a charity to give new beards to sad old prospectors with facial alopecia.