I've always wanted to hunt the most dangerous game . . . Ohio State fans.
Senator Blutarsky laid down the challenge, and T. Kyle King, who hates Auburn -- boy, does he ever hate Auburn -- responded with every bit of the gusto you'd expect and then some. So now the only question is, is 100 Things Fans Should Know and Do Before They Die just an Auburn thing, or is this book part of a series? Naturally, it's the latter, meaning that in addition to a team-specific tailgating tent, leather sofa, or casket, you can now have a bucket list tailored to the college football team of your choice.
Even leaving out all the baseball-themed volumes -- is "Stay awake through an entire MLB game" on any of those lists? It should be -- we don't have the time to slog through every one of these books, much less the resources to buy all of 'em. But that ain't gonna stop us from making some educated guesses as to what's on each list. Here's what we'd include, if we were instructing individual fan bases as to how they can optimize their respective fandoms before shuffling off their respective mortal coils:
* Pick three random years out of the past century and make a case for Alabama deserving a share of the national title in each of those years in a letter to the editor, comment on a rival blog, or graffito spray-painted on an opposing team's stadium.
* Get a houndstooth-patterned prosthesis or medical implant (i.e. hip replacement, pacemaker, or IUD).
* Cut off an Auburn fan's ear whilst listening to Stealers Wheel's "Stuck in the Middle With You."
* Attend a bowl game other than the Las Vegas Bowl, just to see what it feels like.
* Serve a caffeinated beverage at a tailgate.
* Utter a swear word while watching a game.
* Get pulled over for speeding and respond to the officer's request for license and registration by barking loudly in his face. (Extra points for doing so in Columbia, South Carolina, or Alachua County, Florida.)
* Find the suitcase containing Urban Meyer's soul and sell it back to him.
* Give a Georgia Tech student his first glimpse of female genitalia.
What're you gonna do, charge me with failing to defend a triple-option offensive attack?
* Track down the source of the "LSU fans smell like corn dogs" rumor.
* Become the first human being to record a blood-alcohol level of 1.00 or greater.
* Slip Nick Saban a mickey and take a picture of yourself giving him a pair of Norwegian goggles.
* Sneak a firearm into a major sporting event.
* Beat up a Florida International fan just to feel alive.
* Take a ho to the seventh floor.
* Have sex with a coed without being intoxicated, with a condom, and without going to Confession afterward.
* Keep Jimmy Clausen from getting sacked for a full hour.
* Witness a Notre Dame victory over Southern Cal. (Just kidding. There's no way you'll live that long.)
* Spend an entire night, alone, in the Southeastern Conference's headquarters in Birmingham, Alabama.
* Defecate in a styrofoam cooler. At a 4th of July picnic.
* "Dot the I" at Ohio Stadium naked from the waist down.
* E-mail or call in a death threat to Jacquizz Rodgers, Jim Harbaugh, or Vince Young.
* Watch the Kim Kardashian sex tape in HD and pretend you're Reggie Bush.
* Get re-tweeted by Pete Carroll.
* Break into the Oklahoma University athletic-department building, drink beer, and urinate in their 2008 Big XII Championship trophy. Continue until trophy is filled to the top.
* Play keep-away with the hat of a Texas A&M "cadet."
* Play keep-away with the hot pants of a Texas pom squad member.
* To get the feeling of what it's like to be a fan of a major historic D-IA football program, throw a brick through coach Bill Stewart's window.
* Have sex while wearing a coonskin cap.
* Set fire to a Rooms To Go store and burn the whole thing to the ground.