No matter how big a guy might be, Nicky would take him on. You beat Nicky with fists, he comes back with a bat. You beat him with a knife, he comes back with a gun. And if you beat him with a gun, you better kill him, because he’ll keep comin’ back and back until one of you is dead.

I’ve always wanted to hunt the most dangerous game . . . Ohio State fans.

Senator Blutarsky laid down the challenge, and T. Kyle King, who hates Auburn — boy, does he ever hate Auburn — responded with every bit of the gusto you’d expect and then some. So now the only question is, is 100 Things Fans Should Know and Do Before They Die just an Auburn thing, or is this book part of a series? Naturally, it’s the latter, meaning that in addition to a team-specific tailgating tent, leather sofa, or casket, you can now have a bucket list tailored to the college football team of your choice.

Even leaving out all the baseball-themed volumes — is “Stay awake through an entire MLB game” on any of those lists? It should be — we don’t have the time to slog through every one of these books, much less the resources to buy all of ‘em. But that ain’t gonna stop us from making some educated guesses as to what’s on each list. Here’s what we’d include, if we were instructing individual fan bases as to how they can optimize their respective fandoms before shuffling off their respective mortal coils:

ALABAMA
* Pick three random years out of the past century and make a case for Alabama deserving a share of the national title in each of those years in a letter to the editor, comment on a rival blog, or graffito spray-painted on an opposing team’s stadium.
* Get a houndstooth-patterned prosthesis or medical implant (i.e. hip replacement, pacemaker, or IUD).
* Cut off an Auburn fan’s ear whilst listening to Stealers Wheel’s “Stuck in the Middle With You.”

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This week Mustache Wednesday pays tribute to a fellow who was taken before his time but still managed to pack more livin’ into 51 years than the rest of us probably could in twice that long: Mexico City-born actor and renaissance hombre Pedro Armendáriz.

Armendáriz got an engineering degree from Cal Poly and variously worked for the railroad, a bilingual magazine, and the Mexican tourism board, but was discovered by a Mexican film director after reciting the monologue from Hamlet to an American tourist; he went on to appear in more than 100 films, including “Fort Apache” and “The Conqueror.” Later in life he was diagnosed with cancer and eventually committed suicide rather than slowly waste away — but not before toughing it out through the production of “From Russia With Love,” in which he plays Kerim Bey, head of Station T in Istanbul and the one man in Turkey who can match James Bond in terms of connections, ladyslaying skills, and sheer badassery.

Below the jump, Armendáriz assists the equally well-mustachioed Francis de Wolff in presiding over the film’s infamous “gypsy catfight” scene. Happy Mustache Wednesday and mee-yoww, motherfuckers. (more…)

The U.S. House of Representatives certainly has never had a shortage of complete nutcakes, but ever since former Rep. Tom Osborne (R-NE) declined to run for re-election in 2006 (in favor of an ultimately unsuccessful run for governor), it has been regrettably short on former coaching legends. According to the Orlando Sentinel, though, next year the House may have a shot at bolstering its numbers in both categories: Former Notre Dame head coach and current ESPN talking/babbling head Lou Holtz has been talking to national Republican leaders about the possibility of running against incumbent Rep. Suzanne Kosmas for the Congressional seat representing Florida’s 24th district. Granted, there’s probably a case to be made that Holtz couldn’t be that much worse than must of the fruit cups currently representing us on Capitol Hill, but the mere concept remains so intensely, willfully surreal on its face that there can only be one possible purpose for it: grooming a suitably bonkers running mate for Sarah Palin’s inevitable 2012 presidential campaign.

Palin/Holtz ‘12: In your heart, you know it’d be hilarious.

What kind of a representative/VP would Sweet Lou be? Well, we already know he’d be a big fat no on the Kyoto Protocols. If his continuing close relationship with Notre Dame is any indication, we can also assume he’d swing solidly to the right on all the hot-button social issues — abortion, euthanasia, the right of Michigan and Ohio State fans to intermarry, that sort of thing. As far as clues from his actual coaching career, we can assume he’d be dedicated to building a strong national defense, but that he’d also follow a fairly strict non-interventionist policy (unless you can find any evidence that his South Carolina teams mounted any offense whatsoever). As far as we’re concerned, the wild card here is health care: If he’s going to run as a Republican, the obvious assumption is that he’s against Obama’s health-care proposal, but you have take into account his unclear stance on drug benefits and his casual distribution of advice (as a “Doctor” on ESPN) that was, at best, quasi-solicited — there’s a possibility he’d be down for a lot more government involvement there than the GOP would like. (All together now: MAVERICK!)

As for potential appointments or staff members, it’s probably early to be speculating on those as well, but one name seems like a pretty safe bet: Beano Cook as assistant for national security affairs, the Scooter Libby to Lou’s Dick Cheney? Yeah, you laugh now. Just see if he doesn’t.