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His self-lacerating wit and rolling New Orleans piano are unparalleled.

Voila! The SEC Media days schedule is here, and leads off with two interviews customized for the post lunch coma period: Bobbys Petrino and Johnson. will be covering the living hell out of this thing, as will ourselves,Clay Travis, and Rocky Top Talk. We promise the only pantsless coverage in an effort to provide something no one else is doing, because overcovered won't begin to describe what this event will be by 5:00 on Thursday.

Watch your ass, Herrick. Louie's right behind you. Former Ole Miss qb Michael Herrick will get his chance to start at last, albeit not at Ole Miss, but at Northern Arizona, where he will enjoy a brief but successful career as qb before suffering the fate of all students at NAU, a swift but extremely painful death at the hands of the scariest fucking mascot in college football, Louie the Slaughtering Psychopath of a Lumberjack. He cuts off limbs/He chips up bones/He likes to press your throat. Fun note from the article: Ed Orgeron can kill your ability to dream, and make you stare out the window holding lilacs and smiling ruefully about the soft-faced innocent you were before the world crushed your dreams.

Well, yeah. One reason why a proposed Army/Notre Dame game is a bad idea? A very obvious reason? It's a crap matchup where Notre Dame will wipe the floor with an overmatched Black Knights team, will provide even less reason for New York as a whole to pay attention to college football, and will cost massive bucks to attend. Now, Rutgers versus a team of lovely Russian mail order brides? NOW CARL'S INTERESTED YEAH BABEEEE.

Be healed! (Stares intensely) GIGGITY HEAL-ATARKUS!!! Various forms of medical treatment and intense staring and hoodooing have Greg Hardy on pace to recover from a foot injury and start the season for Ole Miss, where he plans to give the 100% effort he gives for three games a year, and then phone in the rest before turning in an amazing combine performance to hornswaggle a team out of a huge chunk of money in the NFL Draft.

How Hotel Rwanda of you. Gregg Doyel calls Finebaum a cockroach, which makes him a Hutu genocidaire, which may be the best description of what Doyel does as a writer. And as with Rwanda, no one's going to save us by bombing the tower he uses to broadcast, and he's likely to end up where most columnists will end up: in the refugee camp that is AOL Sports. It's like Goma, but with Jay Mariotti instead of murderous machete-wielding thugs, which means it is exactly like Goma. [/refugeelore'd]