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CURIOUS INDEX, 7/10/09

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Meanwhile: Rob Stone says he's fine. No, really. Just fine. Most people who survive wolf attacks and simultaneous lightning strikes and water moccasin bites recover in a matter of a decade or so. It's the ones who did all of this after falling from a hot-air balloon you have to worry about, like Rob Stone, who's just fine over here. Really. Being a head in a jar is a niche, really. Probably get him even more air time, you know once the body shrivels up and dies. You guys go look at Erin. She's really the one who needs your support now. He'll just be over here, getting excited about that New Mexico State/Vicodin Tech game he's got on his schedule, that he'll have to do without a body, face, or eyes. Does it look bad? No, wait, don't answer that. He can handle the pain.

No, go ahead. It's her chin. America's depending on it. Just throw ol' Stoner some Bactine and he'll be ready to rock. Heard bad things about those chin injuries. Brutal.

Enemy of my enemy. Hail to the Orange has the three fans who will make your life a living hell. An instructive lesson in anthropology through football is included:

You know before getting drawn into this who ESS EEE SEEE speed thing got started I hated the rest of my Conference.

Muhahahahahahahaha!!! Tribalism! It's a catchy tune, and once acquired not easily shaken. It starts with SEC vs. Big Ten, and it ends up with burning buildings, tears, and Bangladeshi peacekeepers making ridiculous wages camping out where your house used to be.

T. Boone Pickens Is Intrigued By Your Source of Renewable But Mellow Energy. Dexter Pratt and Jamal Mosley of Oklahoma State were arrested for possession of demon weed. It's hard to find cannabis from the 1950s, but if you're spelling it "marihuana," then you purchased it off a negro musician at a jazz concert while wearing pants pulled up to your nipples.

...knowingly possessed and controlled within his residence a small plastic bag containing what appeared to be, and subsequently field tested positive as a small amount of marihuana (sic)

Then they went to a juke joint with some beatniks, made the scene with some real gone babies, and laid a patch when the heat came in and busted the place up! That's two points total for Oklahoma State in the Fulmer Cup, and no matter how Gundy suspends them for the opening of the season, it probably won't affect the Georgia game. This note is provided for fans falling into category one as detailed by bold point two above. ("Not that it would matter WOOOO ESS-EEE-SEE!!!")

We'd add Noah Brindise to this list. Austin Murphy has his ten most thrilling players, and besides the criminal oversight of not including Fat Dog in the list, it's acceptable work. Mike Vick would be on this list if one game could make it, but Earl Campbell and Vince Young at the top are hard to quibble with, especially if you engage in the football porn of imagining them running the zone read and speed option out of the spread together. Your eyeballs just exploded from all the glory you just saw, but it doesn't matter because you can't read this anyway, because your eyeballs have exploded.

Ivar Kalstrad drops yet another pass. From this article, this...well, this is what we look like to the rest of the world in soccer. (Except for Spain! YOUR JAMON WAS DELICIOUS SENORS Y SENORAS.)