Director: ...and we're rolling in 3...2...
Lou Holtz: Wait, wait. This feels...wrong.
Director: Okay, Lou. We're cut for time here, so make it quick.
Holtz: Don't tell me we're in a rush. I taught Sam Peckinpah everything he knows about movies. The rape scene in Straw Dogs? My idea from the start, though mine involved an octopus, a pinata full of bees, and Shelley Winters with a bullwhip.
Director: I'm sorry, but I can't believe you--
Holtz: Listen up! I know movies, and this film lacks something. A spark. A little pizzazz. You got nothin'! A big poor kid, Sandra Bullock with a bad Mississippi accent, and not a pirate, hot dame, or gunfight in sight. What's a movie without these? I'll tell you what it is. A vagina for the eyes.
Director: I don't even know what that means.
Holtz: 'Course you don't.
Sandra Bullock: Hey, I have a dialect coach from Steel Magnolias, I'll have you know--
Holtz: And a dancing coach from the Pegleg Olympics and Amelia Earhart for flying lessons. Neither one will get over the Pacific or onstage with an Emmy, sweetie.
Sandra Bullock: Oscar.
Holtz: No, it's Lou, but thanks. Listen, amateurs. I did all my pitching to recruits with my best foot forward. And by foot, I mean 12 inches. So that's how it should be done.
Director: Um, if you could just put your pants back on, Lou, we'd really like to--
Holtz: This won me the bar bets that got me the Arkansas job, my wife, and my own private island off the cost of Bimini. It's how I pitched recruits in real life, it scared Tony Rice into signing an X on that scholarship agreement, and I'll be damned if it's not going in a movie that's supposedly about real life and me and football.
Sandra Bullock: [stares, mouth agape.]
Director: ...and we're rolling.
Lou Holtz: Hi, Michael. I'm Lou Holtz, and I'm here to get you play football for the University of Phoenix.
Sandra Bullock: [makes 'call me' sign with hand]
Director: ...and cut.
Photo source: here. And Freek, of course. Holtzian translation provided by Holly, who speaks lisp fluently.
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