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CURIOUS INDEX, 6/19/09

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Today's forecast is IRONY. From reader rwphonics: the verb "kiffen" in German means roughly "to spoke weed," something which the currently stoned will find endlessly entertaining, and may seem ironic when Kiffin lines up a kicker for a 70 yard field goal.

There's no app for that. A helpful one someone could rig up in the span of a few hours: get a coach an iPhone, hook it up to a calendar, and then keep it from calling the same number more than X number of times in single period, which is what Urban Meyer did as self-reported by the University of Florida. Remember, it being a secondary violation means nothing will happen. (Only exception: Alabama would lose three scholarships for this, and likely have to publicly tar and feather Nick Saban to appease the NCAA.)

THIS IS MY CHRISTIAN BALE BATMAN VOICE. The suggestion of Gary Busey for the booth is an inspired one, even if you know it will all end in weeping children and blood, but the finest suggestion for an announcer is Christian Bale doing his Batman voice for the entire game. "Are you the color man? Or are you doing play by play?" "I'M WHATEVER GOTHAM NEEDS ME TO BE." "Color guy it is, then." "THAT'S A NICE PLAYCALL THERE."

The most seductive shotgun snap ever. The game has to be a labor of love for someone at EA: College Game Balls tried out the demo and wrote up their experience with NCAA 2010, and we did the same last night. More later, but we'll say this: the animation of the shotgun snap alone means someone really, really takes this game home at night, puts it in its own crate with an alarm clock wrapped in a blanket, and properly babies this game from puppyhood on up. (Also: now with Tebow one-man play-action!)

Repetition is so repetitive. This is an execrable Dennis Dodd column, as most columns are to us. (Most things can be explained in less than 200 or more than 3,000 words--anything in between is either too much or too little. It's not just columnists who suck; it's the format itself.) The worst part, though:

Anyone remember Georgia last year? The Bulldogs were the preseason No. 1, on their way to their seventh consecutive season of at least nine wins. They were also No. 1 on the police blotter. There were eight arrests in the offseason. Thirty Bulldogs have been arrested in the same four-year period, six more than Florida.

Though it's not serious, the Fulmer Cup does come in handy here. Georgia has had more arrests than Florida, but the vast majority of those--26, to be precise--were misdemeanors, and we'd bet that most involved driving with a suspended license and the other side effects of having an overly officious crew of bumpkins using overlapping law enforcement agencies to skim cash off students and generate revenue for the county.

Also, Georgia had a kid fall asleep drunk on the toilet, while Florida has had two players discharge automatic weapons in public, one steal his own car from an impound lot, two charged with affray, and one who stole a laptop (who is now conveniently at the University of Tennessee.) Nine felonies in all versus four--and the nature of them--make a substantial difference. It's not like Dodd actually had to read blogs to figure that out, as it's in the staid, print-y Gainesville Sun for everyone to read. It required reading, which was evidently too much to ask.