The offices of the USC Athletic Department.
USC: Athletic Department, this is Tim speaking.
NCAA Investigator Blackburn: Yes, I've been trying to reach the USC Athletic Department for a year now.
Tim: Yes, I'm sorry. Let me transfer you.
Pete Carroll, leaning out of his office excitedly: Ready?
Tim: [nods quickly.] Transferring, hold please.
Pete: Hello?
NCAA Investigator Blackburn: Yes. Is this Coach Carroll?
Pete: You betcha. How you doing, Inspector Blackburn?
NCAA: Yes, I'm trying to reach Athletic Director Mike Garrett, actually.
Pete: Oh, sure. I'll transfer you. Sorry about that! (Giggles, presses a few buttons.)
Tim's phone rings.
Tim: Hello?
NCAA: Yes, I'm sorry. Is this AD Garrett's office?
Tim: No, I'm sorry, you're reached the office of Commodore Diarrheamouth.
NCAA: You know, I'm getting tired of this. I've been calling for six months and--
Tim: (in preposterously bad British accent) I SAY, FARTY POOPENZATZERSCHMITT, full steam ahead and to the mainsail the fart pumps to VIC-TRAY!!!!
NCAA: This--
Tim: (one long stream of disgusting farting noises made into the receiver)
NCAA: If you don't transfer me--BEEP!!!
Carroll: Hello?
NCAA: Yes, Coach Carroll. I'm sorry to disturb you again, but someone in the AD'S office has been--
Carroll: Making fart noises into the phone?
NCAA: Exactly! How'd you know?
Carroll: It's an employee with a bipolar disorder of some sort. He's related to an important donor. I'm so sorry about that.
Blackburn: Yes. Well, if I could discuss this with you, we have some questions about the Reggie Bush case--
Carroll: I'll have to transfer you to my associate.
NCAA: Your associate? But this is a question for yo--
Carroll: I have to warn you, his language can be quite colorful.
NCAA: Wait, You did this last ti--
Carroll: (farts into the receiver)
NCAA: NOOOOOOO---
Tim: THIS IS COMMODORE DIARRHEAMOUTH! How may I be of serphfffffTTTGGLLLGGHHHHHH (endless stream of farting noises)
[transfers]
Carroll: [makes farting noises with mouth theatrically on phone, holding it arm's length]
[transfers]
Tim: FPHLHHHHLAAAGHHHHH I say that one was particularly savage :LFKFFFKLLGGHhhhZZZKGGSHHsssZZZZ EGADS!!!
[transfers]
Carroll: ....
NCAA: Yes?
Carroll: ...
NCAA: Hello?
Carroll: Inspector Blackburn?
NCAA: Yes, coach, I just want--
Carroll: FLALLLLLGGGHHFlfkfdjlskdfjFFFGHHHh [even louder stream of farting noises]
NCAA: [click!]
Carroll: Win forever, Commodore Diarrheamouth.
Tim: Win forever, Coach.
(Repeat until desired results are achieved.)
Additional farting dialogue: Oops Pow, of course.