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29 ALTERNATE NAMES FOR COLT MCCOY

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You will get tired of hearing his name, especially when ABC begins to pump its Big 12 lineup starting in October and you start looking LIVE at Brent Musburger's face-plant into the Big 12 South schedule. This won't be Colt McCoy's fault at all, because he's quite good, and guilty only of that and playing for a high profile team and probable national title contender (along with perennial stiff-armed trophy candidate, if you care about that sort of thing.)

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Ahhh, Colt McCoy, WHATTAPLAYA: Prepare for a Musburgering unseen since Maurice Clarett and his lint roller rolled through the dirty streets of Columbus.

To alleviate this problem ahead of time, we offer up 29 alternate names for Colt McCoy. See? You've heard the name so many times you don't even realize how outrageously fake his name really is: part firearm, horse, and Scottish, with just a hint of prominent car dealership owner and porn star thrown in. You let it trip off your tongue like it doesn't reek of Walker, Texas Ranger script without even noticing, so used to the absurdity of it are you.

It's a shame repetition bleeds the novelty out of even the weirdest things, but it happens. Therefore, college football fans, we present the Official Alternative But Equivalent Names for Colt McCoy for 2009.

Horse O'Shy
McClain Dudeflinch
Bear Canebreak
Python Smith
Hawk Cantanker
Magnum O'Reilly
Snake Triscuit
Patterson O'Buffalochickentender

Bacon McLean
Fizzbitch McLanahan
Prariedog Campbell
Kentigern Smithenwessen
Broncoface Fraser
Tavish McAwesomeblossom
Glockpheasant McGillicuddy
Armalite Kerr-Rattlesnake
Winchester Stewart
Remington Ponymaster
Mikel McArmistice Poplarfist
Bell Windraper
Thomas Alva Ladyflowerpuncher
Donnan Lambfister
Tek-9 Findley
Mingus Deathrattle
Tartan Hollowpointer
Deertick Docherty
Derringer Shinkick
Shybones O'Reilly

Use them well. (Inspired by this, of course.)