Sometimes human behavior can be easily programmed and predicted. To save time, we're encoding college football internet commenters by school. Notre Dame fans, we'll save you the trouble by alerting you that BUTTHURT is present, skip to step 50 and proceed.
PROGRAM CODE "NotreDameCommenter@aol.com"
IF "notre dame" PLUS "EDSBS" THEN "mandatory philbinpic.jpg" NOT "Deadspin"="Gay_Brady_Quinn.jpg
10 INPUT: "Notre Dame"
20 IF (Mention of ND) Then (EXAMINE FOR SIGNS OF BUTTHURT)
30 IF (Mention of ND)=(lack of BUTTHURT minus FLATTERY) then SKIP TO 50
40 IF (BUTTHURT=PRESENT) then NEXT
50 RUN "BUNKER MENTALITY" NEXT
60 Type COMMENT 1=(accusations of jealousy) + (citations of past glory you had nothing to do with)
70 IF COMMENT 1 clash (malfunction RIPOSTE) THEN NEXT
80 RUN "WILLINGHAM EXCUSE" NEXT
90 IF "WILLINGHAM EXCUSE" clash (malfunction timeframe expired) THEN REPEAT
100 If REPEAT = (clash malfunction) RUN "IMPENDING SUCCESS" NEXT
110 "IMPENDING SUCCESS"= type ("Signs of improvement") + ("highly touted recruiting classes") + ("Get your shots in now") NEXT
120 REPEAT IN LOOP
130 If 120=FAIL Then RUN "ACADEMIC EXCUSE"
140 "ACADEMIC EXCUSE"=("We're smart and you'll work for us someday.") REPEAT
140 END