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COMMENTER CODE MADE EASY

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Sometimes human behavior can be easily programmed and predicted. To save time, we're encoding college football internet commenters by school. Notre Dame fans, we'll save you the trouble by alerting you that BUTTHURT is present, skip to step 50 and proceed.

PROGRAM CODE "NotreDameCommenter@aol.com"

mill_regis_b6
IF "notre dame" PLUS "EDSBS" THEN "mandatory philbinpic.jpg" NOT "Deadspin"="Gay_Brady_Quinn.jpg

10 INPUT: "Notre Dame"

20 IF (Mention of ND) Then (EXAMINE FOR SIGNS OF BUTTHURT)

30 IF (Mention of ND)=(lack of BUTTHURT minus FLATTERY) then SKIP TO 50

40 IF (BUTTHURT=PRESENT) then NEXT

50 RUN "BUNKER MENTALITY" NEXT

60 Type COMMENT 1=(accusations of jealousy) + (citations of past glory you had nothing to do with)

70 IF COMMENT 1 clash (malfunction RIPOSTE) THEN NEXT

80 RUN "WILLINGHAM EXCUSE" NEXT

90 IF "WILLINGHAM EXCUSE" clash (malfunction timeframe expired) THEN REPEAT

100 If REPEAT = (clash malfunction) RUN "IMPENDING SUCCESS" NEXT

110 "IMPENDING SUCCESS"= type ("Signs of improvement") + ("highly touted recruiting classes") + ("Get your shots in now") NEXT

120 REPEAT IN LOOP

130 If 120=FAIL Then RUN "ACADEMIC EXCUSE"

140 "ACADEMIC EXCUSE"=("We're smart and you'll work for us someday.") REPEAT

140 END