Scene: a gray office in the Tennessee. LANE KIFFIN sits down with business consultant TAD SMITH.
Tad: Coach Kiffin, thanks for coming to your performance review.
Kiffin: No problem
Tad: So you're in charge around here, is that fair to say?
Kiffin: Absolutely. I'm the coach.
Tad: Okay, so take us through a day in the life of the coach.
Kiffin: Well the first thing I do is...
Wake my dad up (LIKE A COACH)
Play action bootleg (LIKE A COACH)
On every down (LIKE A COACH)
Remember birthdays (LIKE A COACH)
Eat some paste (LIKE A COACH)
My own whiteboard (LIKE A COACH)
Piss off Meyer (LIKE A COACH)
Nepotism (LIKE A COACH)
Feed the dog (LIKE A COACH)
Get my hand bit (LIKE A COACH)
Apply Bactine (LIKE A COACH)
Call Pahokee (LIKE A COACH)
Get rejected (LIKE A COACH)
Cry deeply (LIKE A COACH)
Hand's infected (LIKE A COACH)
Recruit players (LIKE A COACH)
Take our shirts off (LIKE A COACH)
Dance suggestively (LIKE A COACH)
Harrassment lawsuit (LIKE A COACH)
Ask Coach O (LIKE A COACH)
For some dough (LIKE A COACH)
Get rejected (LIKE A COACH)
Shit on Coach O's desk (LIKE A COACH)
Find my dad (LIKE A COACH)
BREAK
(Oh god did he wander off again and fall in the river... shiiiiiiiiit...)
Watch some Magnum! (LIKE A COACH)
With my dad (LIKE A COACH)
Wake him up (LIKE A COACH)
Puke on Coach O's desk (LIKE A COACH)
Jump out the window (LIKE A COACH)
First-floor office (LIKE A COACH)
Lack of foresight (LIKE A COACH)
Awkward meetings (LIKE A COACH)
With the boosters (LIKE A COACH)
I don't hunt or fish (LIKE A COACH)
Perk up the CV (LIKE A BOSS)
Cash some Raiderbucks (LIKE A COACH)
Name my son Knox (LIKE A COACH)
Make him hate me (LIKE A COACH)
Turn into a jet (LIKE A COACH)
Bomb the Gators (LIKE A CORCH)
Last three years at best (LIKE A COACH)
Go back to USC (LIKE A COACH)
Tad: Uh huh. So that's an average day for you then?
Kiffin: No doubt
Tad: You turn into a jet and bomb Gainesville?
Kiffin: Hell yeah.
Tad: And I think at one point there you said something about naming your son Knox?
Kiffin: Nope.
Tad: Actually I'm pretty sure you did.
Kiffin: Nah, that ain't me.
Tad: Okay, well this has been eye opening for me
Kiffin: Oh, just wait until the season starts. I'm the coach.
Tad: Yeah, no I got that. You said it about four hundred times.
Kiffin: Dad said that would help. I'm the coach.
Tad: Yeah, yeah I got it.
Kiffin: I'm the coach.
Tad: No I heard you. That's the funniest part about this whole bit, actually.
LIKE A COACH.