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Scene: a gray office in the Tennessee. LANE KIFFIN sits down with business consultant TAD SMITH.

Tad: Coach Kiffin, thanks for coming to your performance review.

Kiffin: No problem

Tad: So you're in charge around here, is that fair to say?

Kiffin: Absolutely. I'm the coach.

Tad: Okay, so take us through a day in the life of the coach.

Kiffin: Well the first thing I do is...


Wake my dad up (LIKE A COACH)

Play action bootleg (LIKE A COACH)

On every down (LIKE A COACH)

Remember birthdays (LIKE A COACH)


Eat some paste (LIKE A COACH)

My own whiteboard (LIKE A COACH)

Piss off Meyer (LIKE A COACH)

Nepotism (LIKE A COACH)

Feed the dog (LIKE A COACH)

Get my hand bit (LIKE A COACH)


Apply Bactine (LIKE A COACH)

Call Pahokee (LIKE A COACH)

Get rejected (LIKE A COACH)

Cry deeply (LIKE A COACH)

Hand's infected (LIKE A COACH)

Recruit players (LIKE A COACH)

Take our shirts off (LIKE A COACH)

Dance suggestively (LIKE A COACH)

Harrassment lawsuit (LIKE A COACH)


Ask Coach O (LIKE A COACH)

For some dough (LIKE A COACH)

Get rejected (LIKE A COACH)

Shit on Coach O's desk (LIKE A COACH)


Find my dad (LIKE A COACH)


(Oh god did he wander off again and fall in the river... shiiiiiiiiit...)

Watch some Magnum! (LIKE A COACH)

With my dad (LIKE A COACH)

Wake him up (LIKE A COACH)

Puke on Coach O's desk (LIKE A COACH)


Jump out the window (LIKE A COACH)

First-floor office (LIKE A COACH)

Lack of foresight (LIKE A COACH)

Awkward meetings (LIKE A COACH)

With the boosters (LIKE A COACH)

I don't hunt or fish (LIKE A COACH)

Perk up the CV (LIKE A BOSS)

Cash some Raiderbucks (LIKE A COACH)

Name my son Knox (LIKE A COACH)

Make him hate me (LIKE A COACH)

Turn into a jet (LIKE A COACH)

Bomb the Gators (LIKE A CORCH)


Last three years at best (LIKE A COACH)

Go back to USC (LIKE A COACH)

Tad: Uh huh. So that's an average day for you then?

Kiffin: No doubt

Tad: You turn into a jet and bomb Gainesville?

Kiffin: Hell yeah.

Tad: And I think at one point there you said something about naming your son Knox?

Kiffin: Nope.

Tad: Actually I'm pretty sure you did.

Kiffin: Nah, that ain't me.

Tad: Okay, well this has been eye opening for me

Kiffin: Oh, just wait until the season starts. I'm the coach.

Tad: Yeah, no I got that. You said it about four hundred times.

Kiffin: Dad said that would help. I'm the coach.

Tad: Yeah, yeah I got it.

Kiffin: I'm the coach.

Tad: No I heard you. That's the funniest part about this whole bit, actually.