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CURIOUS INDEX, 5/14/2009

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It had to sound exactly like this. Adam Gunn, the 6th year senior linebacker for Pitt, was tased in the incident outside a nightclub reported yesterday in the Fulmer Cupdate. If it didn't sound something like this, Pittsburgh police clearly need a new brand of Taser, like "SureSoil" or "SpasmSafe."

The tip for the article also came with the following text:

EAT SHIT PITT!!!!!!EAT SHIT PITT!!!!!!EAT SHIT PITT!!!!!!EAT SHIT PITT!!!!!!EAT SHIT PITT!!!!!!EAT SHIT PITT!!!!!!EAT SHIT PITT!!!!!!EAT SHIT PITT!!!!!!EAT SHIT PITT!!!!!!EAT SHIT PITT!!!!!!EAT SHIT PITT!!!!!!EAT SHIT PITT!!!!!!EAT SHIT PITT!!!!!!EAT SHIT PITT!!!!!!EAT SHIT PITT!!!!!!EAT SHIT PITT!!!!!!EAT SHIT PITT!!!!!!EAT SHIT PITT!!!!!!EAT SHIT PITT!!!!!!EAT SHIT PITT!!!!!!EAT SHIT PITT!!!!!!EAT SHIT PITT!!!!!!EAT SHIT PITT!!!!!!EAT SHIT PITT!!!!!!EAT SHIT PITT!!!!!!EAT SHIT PITT!!!!!!EAT SHIT PITT!!!!!!EAT SHIT PITT!!!!!!

Deathless prose and cunning understatement: this sport of ours never ceases in its giving. (HT: Jay.)

AND NOW BEGIN...TO RAAAAHHHHNN. The Governator would like to sell the L.A. Coliseum and other state properties in order to raise cash for the nearly cashless state. This may or may not affect the USC football program, but as with all things political, this is all a head fake for something bigger and much more sinster and awesome:

And many other questions remain unanswered, including where the state would put death row, even as it is spending hundreds of millions of dollars to build new housing for condemned inmates at San Quentin, which sits on a stunning Marin County waterfront property, or how much a new prison would cost.

Zere would be no new prisahn, citizenz of Kahhliforneeya. Only a YOUUUGE set, television kameras, ahnd five of ze most brutal and heroic glahhdiators evah in a race for ze ultimate prize: LIFE!!! Staaaaaaaahhht...RUNNING!!!

"You mean this is a job that requires...work?" Ty Willingham will not be joining Denny Green in the latest future failure of a professional football league not named the NFL.

Lendale White thinks......college athletes should be paid...in gravy! Because he's fat! White said this on SN Radio yesterday, but came within a half yard of making his point and turned the ball back over to his host.

Walkin' on: Robert Marve, formerly of Miami, now possibly of Tennessee, and according to Lt. Winslow, about to give Florida a shot at the all-time sacks record in a game.