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We'd like to look around your apartment, please. Penn State police searched for marijuana at the apartment of four Penn State football players the night of the Nittany Lions' spring game. No return has been filed on the warrant yet (the list of things actually found,) but the report does contain this extremely familiar sight from around college campuses nationwide:

As soon as they entered the apartment, police say they could see marijuana "in plain view" in the kitchen and smell it throughout the apartment.

When police arrived, they could hear the fire alarm sounding from the southeast section of the complex, and later confirmed with 911 dispatch that the fire alarm inside apartment 4103 was activated, the application for a search warrant states.

Joe Paterno said something about jazz musicians and moved on to the next question.

"Woeful." David Cutcliffe describes Duke's conditioning when he got there as "woeful," and in news that will shock no one, says that despite school-wide apathy surrounding football the facilities were very nice. Bad conditioning, nice facilities: the upper class in one easy phrase, Coach Cut.

Starts are not starts. The Wiz highlights the high number of career starts for Notre Dame and Virginia Tech's offensive lines, but one must wonder: do those starts matter if those starts have been mostly bad starts, as they have been for Notre Dame? Virginia Tech, we'll buy, largely thanks to OC Bryan Stinespring's total lack of creativity determination to slam the ball forward on 1st and 2nd down.

We...even we can't. We'd love to criticize Georgia for adding the daunting New Mexico State Aggies to the 2011 schedule, but doing so would put our foot in an even sturdier bear trap of hypocrisy than the one usually worn around our leg. But Charleston Southern was third in the Big South conference! And Florida went to Syracuse once in the first Bush Administration! And Florida International, well, they do have A'Mod Ned, a hero for our time, so it will be a valiant blowout at least.

It's okay to be gay for that. Lamar Woodley takes Terrelle Pryor's tattoo, fights it as it fires a machine gun haphazardly all over the kitchen, and then pins it to the refrigerator with its adamantine subdermal claws.