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Buckeyefulls all around. Nick Saban blames you, Alabama fan, for his particularly painful hangnail this morning and for Ohio State outdrawing Alabama and setting a national spring game record for attendance at 95,722. All were well-behaved for Terrelle Pryor's 2 TD performance as the Gray beat the Scarlet 23-3. Fans celebrated by baring their chests, opening their mouths, and welcoming the sweet sting of the Buckeyes' favorite postgame beverage, pepper spray.

Ohio St Michigan Controversies Football
It tastes better on draft from the hose.

Hello out there in Marconiphone land. Joe Paterno contributed to a wireless broadcast of the Blue-White Spring Scrimmage at Penn State, where his voice was heard over amplitude modulate frequency as far away as New Jersey and other exotic locales. Paterno says he feels much better following hip surgery, or feels as well as someone his age can feel. He's also overjoyed at the airing of the Discovery Channel documentary about his beloved lost baby mammoth, Stacey.

Drunk driving on flat surfaces. We can't blame you--it is West Lafayette, Indiana--but drunk driving on flat surfaces may be even more dangerous than driving on hills and mountains, since flat surfaces mean no stops for anything but trees, houses, and other people and cars. Fulmer Cupdate pending today, and it's going to be laaaaaarge. (Thanks, Trent Pupello!)

Get Money, Cornelius. Cornelius Ingram was drafted by the Eagles, which is awesome because he is awesome, huge, and was probably blatant theft by the Eagles as a fifth round pick, provided the knee holds together. (Much like saying "If our promising studio contract actor doesn't slide back into morphine addiction," but still.) Philly fans welcomed him with open arms and affection, or in translation: BOOOOOOOOOOOOOO.

MINGO!!! Victory is in sight, Mingovians. Rejoice, and run to victory with arms stretched wide!