April 27, 2025

TEXTS FROM LAST NIGHT, EDSBS EDITION


Texting. Anyone can do it.

If you haven’t seen Texts from Last Night, we’re about to alleviate the poverty of your existence with a bailout of unprecedented comic size and pork-itude. Taken from reader-submitted text messages sent in various impaired states or shortly thereafter, it’s pretty much a rundown of your wasted years that you may either look fondly back on, or use as a basis of comparison for your current dissolute life. (We feel much, much better about ourselves after reading it.)

There’s no reason this couldn’t happen in our corner of the universe, of course. Or in yours, football-wise.

(404) How’d the date go? Run the triple option on her? LOL

(404) No. Ricky Jean-Francois ran in and took her before I could.

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OFFICIALLY THE PISTOL-WHIPPIN’-EST FULMER CUPDATE EVER

We don’t make many promises, but we’ll make one right now: you will never, ever, ever see a Fulmer Cupdate on this website containing more pistol-whipping per square pixel than this one. Ever. If there is one, we’ll shut down the site forever.

This is Trent Pupello three years ago when he entered the University of Florida as a well-regarded freshman tight end prospect. Golden locks, as-a if he had-a just descended from the-a snowcapped hills of Tyrolia! Glowing-a smile, as-a if his a-mama had just-a called the Trent Pupello, wishing him a-good luck at school, and a donn’a forget to washa the cracky parts of the body special hard! Ah, youth-a!

Almost reminiscent of a young Lisa Kudrow with a penis, really. Beauty incarnate, and a trouble-free type at Florida. Now, after the jump, please see what the city of Tampa does to a man. (more…)

CURIOUS INDEX, 4/27/09

Buckeyefulls all around. Nick Saban blames you, Alabama fan, for his particularly painful hangnail this morning and for Ohio State outdrawing Alabama and setting a national spring game record for attendance at 95,722. All were well-behaved for Terrelle Pryor’s 2 TD performance as the Gray beat the Scarlet 23-3. Fans celebrated by baring their chests, opening their mouths, and welcoming the sweet sting of the Buckeyes’ favorite postgame beverage, pepper spray.


It tastes better on draft from the hose.

Hello out there in Marconiphone land. Joe Paterno contributed to a wireless broadcast of the Blue-White Spring Scrimmage at Penn State, where his voice was heard over amplitude modulate frequency as far away as New Jersey and other exotic locales. Paterno says he feels much better following hip surgery, or feels as well as someone his age can feel. He’s also overjoyed at the airing of the Discovery Channel documentary about his beloved lost baby mammoth, Stacey.

Drunk driving on flat surfaces. We can’t blame you-it is West Lafayette, Indiana-but drunk driving on flat surfaces may be even more dangerous than driving on hills and mountains, since flat surfaces mean no stops for anything but trees, houses, and other people and cars. Fulmer Cupdate pending today, and it’s going to be laaaaaarge. (Thanks, Trent Pupello!)

Get Money, Cornelius. Cornelius Ingram was drafted by the Eagles, which is awesome because he is awesome, huge, and was probably blatant theft by the Eagles as a fifth round pick, provided the knee holds together. (Much like saying “If our promising studio contract actor doesn’t slide back into morphine addiction,” but still.) Philly fans welcomed him with open arms and affection, or in translation: BOOOOOOOOOOOOOO.

MINGO!!! Victory is in sight, Mingovians. Rejoice, and run to victory with arms stretched wide!

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