April 16, 2025

VEGAS-BOUND: BE ADVISED

We’re headed to a bit of recreation and no rest in the beautiful city of Las Vegas tonight, therefore be advised: the “Gone Cookin’” sign is up for the blog tomorrow, though how you’ll be able to tell this from any other offseason Friday is beyond us. We’ll be in Bat Country, and therefore swatting away invisible pterodactyls.

Your homework questions being, though:

1. Who should we drop a twenty on for the national title? Besides Florida, because that’s happening with a fierceness, and we just like to lose money.

2. What new casino game should we try? Besides “vomit on the blackjack switch table at the Casino Royale?” (again)

3. What eccentric local dive/attraction/same should we investigate?

4. Total dollar amount lost for the entire weekends. Place your bets now, people.

We’ll be watching the Orange and Blue game from a sports book, which is the next best thing to being there, and may actually be safer thanks to the reduced risk of skin cancer from not baking in the stands at Florida Field. We wish you an early happy weekend, and remind you that we’re your friends. Get in. You’re ready to ride in a convertible.

(Part four of the MMA saga will be up shortly as well. Enjoy.)



Filed under: Uncategorized  by Orson Swindle

COACH O TO TURN MOVIE INTO GREATEST FILM EVER MADE

The Blind Side is being made into a movie. It will feature Tim McGraw and Sandra Bullock as the Tuohys, and Quinton Aaron, who you may remember as “bodyguard 2″ from Law and Order, as Michael Oher. Tim McGraw’s in it, so you know it’s total shit gonna be awesome.

Actually, the whole thing just got scrapped. Goodbye, heartwarming triumph of the spirit; hello, erotic masterpiece/wildlife documentary:

Speaking of which, a while back a buddy and I had wondered about who Hollywood would get to play Orgeron in the movie about Ole Miss offensive lineman Michael Oher. Turns out, Orgeron is going to play the role himself. Next week he’s slated to go to Atlanta to do his scene with Sandra Bullock, the star of the movie.

“But I, John Lee Hancock, didn’t write a love scene into the movie!!!” DASSATOOBADDIRECTAHBOAH!!! And thus prepare yourself for the most mindbending, violent, pec-flexing love scene since Team America redefined what puppet sex meant to you. What started as a 100 minute tale of love and redemption is now a 20 minute football sitcom episode with a five-hour sexcapade sandwiched in the middle. You’re welcome, America.


Coach O, you were supposed to wear more for this scene. It’s 45 seconds of dialogue. NOTANNAHMOAH!!!

The Blind Side was probably headed for a PG-13 before this, but once you get Ed Orgeron in a room with Sandra Bullock and say the words “ACTION!”, there’s really no keeping it from crossing over into NC-17. Furniture will be smashed. Available foodstuffs will be used for unspeakable acts. Cajun butter will be employed. If you can imagine the Incredible Hulk in musth on a Viagra-spiked vacation to the beaches of hell, you may come close to approximating what will be captured on film that night-if the equipment doesn’t melt from the very sight of so much animal lust poured into a single fragile lens. (And it will, if it’s not eaten first.)



Filed under: my god the Orgeron, the Orgeron  by Orson Swindle

YARRRR: LEACH ON PIRATES

Mike Leach, famed pirate fan, may be called as an expert analyst sooner or later for a major news network. Very few people actually specialized in this kind of shit during their international affairs programs, so the only real experts are self-appointed. (And pirates, of course, but it’s kind of hard to get them to hang up the AK-47 and take up a guest faculty position, even when you mention the newly refurbished faculty gym and primo parking spot.)

Leach was already talking like a policy expert in his interview about the recent rash of Somali pirate raids.

Leach was then asked, jokingly, if he would be willing to act as an intermediary during negotiations.

“I don’t think they need an intermediary,” he said. “They need somebody to go clean that deal out. Whoever that leader of the SEALs is, I think he’s got it right. I think you ought to get the Navy SEALs out, have a long weekend…

Salient and sensible points all around: he way outperforms Lou Holtz as a pundit, though that’s a bit like saying you beat Pam Ward in a yardstick-measuring contest. Wait, that would actually be quite impressive, now that you mention it.



Filed under: Big 12 Conference, Coaches, the BCS, scandals, arrests, and other eccentri, College football, yarr  by Orson Swindle

CURIOUS INDEX, 4/16/2009

No, he can’t. We will shave our heads if footage-legitimate, unedited, unmanipulated footage-of Terrance Cody performing a backflip on level ground surfaces. (No trampolines, trapeze equipment, or other assistance permitted.)

Again: head shaved if this happens. We’ll take photos and everything, but we won’t have to, as any landing from a Terrance Cody backflip would cause serious structural damage to buildings on the Alabama campus and beyond.

In more news you already know: college football has its own pay market, as this article reminds you using the $450,000 salary of John Chavis and others as examples. Fun fact! Mike Archer made $125,000 as head coach in 1987, and was still overpaid by $138,000, but LSU was able to write it off as a charitable donation to the Hopelessly Incapable of America.

David Cutcliffe has much sense. David Cutcliffe says Greg Paulus is free to try out for the team at Duke, but definitely not at quarterback, because that would be crazypants dumb.

“He’s a quarterback at heart, but there was no way he was going to be able to compete and play quarterback for us,” Cutcliffe said.

This is because David Cutcliffe is possessed of much good sense and knowledge, and because the notion one could walk into a D-1 program and simply become a quarterback after four years off is insane, because no one’s ever done it? Yes, this is called undermining your argument, and we need to stop doing it.

They don’t ticket the people in the Sooner Schooner. And they drive around with shotguns, no less. Also, we’re pretty sure they’re not completely sober, but don’t let that stop the Norman po-po from arresting Jermaine Gresham for failing to pay a seatbelt violation, a charge earning him and the Sooners a pitiful point in the Fulmer Cup. We’d give half-points for this, but that way lies the devil. (”Hey, he was pantsless when arrested! That’s gotta be a half-point there!”)

Just ask Florida whenever Auburn’s in town. Homefield advantage in the SEC doesn’t mean dick-o-la, and considering that, we now drive a pen into our thigh thinking about the 2007 Auburn game and 2008 Ole Miss games.



Filed under: Coaches, the BCS, scandals, arrests, and other eccentri, College football  by Orson Swindle

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