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CURIOUS INDEX, 4/13/2009

Does Jim Tressel Tweet? Does a green-blooded Commie smoke Tarryltons and love big fake American ta-tas? Of course they don't, and Jim Tressel will tweet when you put a poodle skirt on him and make him dance the can-can at gunpoint for the pleasure of a drunken and cackling Lloyd Carr.

Ohio State also had their unique kick scrimmage on Friday, which in Eleven Warriors' description sounds like their spring game, actually:

Both sides exchange punts until one is in field goal range and each half contains scripted punts and FG attempts.

Should you think this sounds boring, please read further down and see that Ohio State's off-field alumni special teams did superb work this weekend at Ted Ginn Jr's birthday party in Cleveland, where a "near-riot" situation broke out resulting in the tasering of Donte Whitner. Once you taste voltage, you crave its spiky touch forever, and outside of Gainesville, Florida no student body is as frequently tased as the Ohio State peoplemass.

FLOOOOOOOAAAAAT. Georgia got prime-time coverage from messrs. Nessler and Herbstreit for G-Day, but we'll focus instead on this bit of analysis from the Senator on qb Joe Cox's performance in the scrimmage:

Joe Cox ain’t JT3, but he ain’t DJ Shockley, either. He really had to muscle up on the deep throws, and it showed.

Mmmm, floaty marshmallows. Georgia's defense did look like a slight upgrade on last year's unit, though the Senator notices the holes in Willie Martinez's zone, which like a fine cheese give it both its unique character and occasionally make it reek like a dead rat stuck in a wall. Highlights here indicate the base plays of the 2009 attack are going to be the flea-flicker and the qb throwback. Believe your eyes!

If only we could get rid of this...Tee-bow. John Brantley had his best practice as a Gator, assuaging possible fears of a post-Tebow dropoff in offensive production at Florida because of his cannon/arm. Even the offensive line, functioning with several holes due to injury and maligned by Meyer throughout spring, performed well for both Tebow and Brantley. This includes Matt Patchan, a.k.a. Red from Pineapple Express, the defensive lineman turned o-lineman who has been shot, injured in a scooter accident, and who tore his pec in the weight room since arriving in Gainesville. He's really sorry he tried to kill you, dude, but he was the only lineman to handle Jermaine Cunningham in Saturday's scrimmage, and that should count for something.

Use the Forcier AGGHHHKRRGHhstrangled. The headline is killing Brian, but two things from Dennis Dodd's piece on Michigan bear mention:

1. A cold-blooded pun on the word "break:"

His big break, literally, came when redshirt junior Nick Sheridan broke his right leg in practice last month. Sheridan is the only quarterback on the roster who has thrown a Division I pass. When he was injured, the thought running through Michigan fans' minds had to be "Stay down, kid."

We'll shock you by not being outraged here, because outrage is cheap, and we've thought the same thing about players before, going so far as to spray friction-reducing industrial polymers on apartment steps to hasten the "accidental" injury of players we were convinced were waiting like sleeper cells of FAIL-qaeda in our team's rosters. Someone's going to email Dennis Dodd about this and call him heartless, and they're wrong. He's just being honest, and trying heartless on for size casually.

2. The only teams worse than Michigan in turnovers last season were...Washington State and South Carolina. When someone can explain to us what degenerative disease the Palmetto State gives to coaches' ability to score points, please send us an email ASAP.

Most other coaches would recruit faster people. Not Hedley, whose genius dictated that he take one of Texas' premiere pocket passing talents and turn him into a battered option qb! What sort of person would do this instead of recruit? Dennis Franchione, the only EDSBS-certified "Total Fucking Idiot" ever.