We'll get a head start on 2009 by defining reality before it defines us. The words that will define your college football universe for 2009 follow. Learn them. Fear them. Whip them with an old television antenna and tell them how bad they've been.
The San Francisco Treat: The term for a mouthful Jeremiah Masoli's bulky but very nutritious shouldermeat:
Stinespringensumpfenheit: The unique state of being stuck in the morass of an offense coordinated by Virginia Tech OC Brian Stinespring.
Makarouxouttaya: The slow-acting, abundant, and poisonous bacteria found in Ed Orgeron's spittle.
The Bahamian Yardstick.Randy Shannon's new seasonal nickname for his penis, known only to his wife, himself, and Miami columnist Dan Lebatard. [submitted by Dan Lebatard]
The Walleyed Starfish: Jonathan Crompton's signature pocket move.
The Sexecutioner, Fourthmeal, NAFTAshave, Dirty Mittens, and Ol' Bubble 'n Squeak. The new nicknames for the five starting offensive linemen at Texas Tech. Coming off the bench: Plagueballs, the Indomitable
The Monte List-o. The 43 degree angle Monte Kiffin will make, desperately in need of a nap, as he leans up against the first down marker late in night games.
The Choccy Splay: Florida State's traditional maneuver to close out the regular season.
Touchdowns. To score a touchdown, one team must take the football into the opposite end zone. This can be done by rushing, in which the ball carrier carries the football forward into the end zone. It can also be done by passing, where an eligible receiver catches a forward pass in the end zone. The receiver can also catch the ball prior to reaching the end zone and carry it across the plane of the end zone. This would still be considered a "passing" touchdown as opposed to a "rushing" touchdown. This is worth six points.
(Applies to Auburn football only as a new term. May also be called "a seis de Malzahn.")
The Fluff & Hold: When Pete Carroll drapes an arm around your shoulders, like being wrapped in a warm white towel fresh from the dryer.
The Comely Paper Lantern: Jake Locker's code name at the UW Med emergency room.
Patricia Michaels. Mike Patrick's stage name in drag shows. (Also known as Kanga Manley, Sobush Dangerfelt, and Jo Jo Handswarmer.)
The BuffaBuffer: Dan Hawkins' totem staff, topped with the skull of a grizzly, used for prodding lollygagging players in practice, but also great for pickup up those hard-to-reach spills under the table and in corner. Call now and we'll throw in this FREE CODY HAWKINS HELMET-CAM AT NO CHARGE!!! OR JUST CODY HAWKINS!!! OPERATORS ARE STANDING BY!!!
Meyerplexy A continuous neuromuscular spasm resulting in uncontrollable rigid pointing of the index finger and arm for hours at a stretch.
The Toes Of Texas: Mike Sherman's stratagem for improving the Aggies' punt return numbers, in which all defenders stomp forcefully on the feet of opposing players then run like hell.
The Flayhawk. The term for Kansas's one tight, three wide shotgun formation as run by Todd Reesing. Also slang for Iron Chef Bobby Flay's thinning coiffure.
The WACness: A new television network airing West Coast games from 11 PM - 6 AM nightly featuring WAC football, european hockey, French military programming, amputee boxing, and other things featuring zero defense whatsoever. (Anchored by waterskiing squirrel coverage every night at 10:25)
Tebowponialism The state of being fatigued with endless Tim Tebow coverage, but then becoming numb to it, but then becoming bothered by it all again, and then slipping into a kind of catatonic appreciation of the guy, which will then edge into annoyance two weeks before his final game, and then back into numb nodding and smiling. (See: VincinVinceability, the similar condition provoked by 2005 Vince Young.)
The Saber-Rattling Central Cortex of Senora Zapato: Dennis Erickson's underground Tempe lair and adjacent Popeyes franchise.