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Hallo! And welcome to Coach Brew's plan for success is for the players at the University of Minnesota to get their degrees and graduate from the University. In order to do this...I...

Can you hear me? Really, tell me if you can. Make some kind of sign. I'm...I'm trapped here. I don't know how this happened. I filled out an application, and then ten minutes later I'm in this little box reading this schpiel about Minnesota football academics with a flashlight pointed at me, and now I don't even know what day it is.

Food comes through a slot three times a day. I have a bucket for my personal needs. I haven't had any human contact for days now: the light just comes on whenever anyone visits the site, and then I have to read this script with this smile on my face. If I don't, they turn the hose on. If I do, I get to sleep for ten minutes, unless someone else clicks on it, and then oh jeez here we go again--


---and Coach Brewster has hired two of the nation's top academic compliance officers to help Minnesota be the best academic institution...

Help me. Please. Someone help. Oh god the light's coming on again STOP CLICKING FOR GOD'S SAKES---