YO DAWG WE HEARD YOU LIKE SOME TEBOW IN YOUR TEBOW
Occasionally, even we think the Church of Tebow goes into Cultsylvania. But the chance to put some Tebow in your Tebow was too much to resist, we suppose.
March 19, 2025
SPRING Q AND A: BRET BIELEMA
We sat down with Wisconsin coach Bret Bielema for a springtime review of the Badgers going into the spring. We didn’t just talk football, though!
Q: Coach Bielema, how do you rebound from last season?
A: [LOUD FARTING NOISE INTO PHONE]
Q: Coach Bielema?
A: Yeah, yeah. I’m here. Must have been some…interference on the call. What do you mean?
Q: Wisconsin went 7-6, going 3-5 in the Big Ten and losing its bowl game 42-14 to Florida State- (more…)
IMAGINE THE SPLENDOR
As March Madness comes to simultaneously mask office despair for a month and validate the existence of college basketball, consider the opening brackets of a completely improbable sixteen team bracket played out with 2008’s week fifteen BCS results.
Picture from XKCD, of course.
-#1 Oklahoma versus number 16 BYU. Because we know how well Mormons deal with people in wagon trains.
-#2 Florida vs. #15 Georgia. Which went so well the first time through in 2008.
-#3 Texas vs. #14 Georgia Tech. Given Tech’s performance versus LSU and their shoddy 2008 secondary, Colt McCoy would have shot Tech into fine, lacy cheese.
-#4 Alabama vs. #13 Oklahoma State. Okay, this would have been fascinating. If you doubt this, consider how the spread performed versus Alabama’s maturing but still green defense in the Sugar.
-#5 USC vs. #12 Cincinnati. Fascinating, but only in the sense that a sheep being dropped into a shark tank is.
-#6 Utah vs. #11 TCU. Redundancies. A playoff has them. Or, as they call them in a playoff, “rematches.”
-#7 Texas Tech vs. #10 Ohio State. A beerworthy game, for sure.
-#8 Penn State vs. #9 Boise State. Only really potentially interesting because at one point Boise State pantsed Oklahoma in a bowl game in the biggest upset ever, and you’d like to see that happen again, even though it was a low probability event like winning a single number bet in roulette, but too bad for you it happened, you remember it, and the rush will keep you expecting it against all hope and probability for the rest of your life. /gamblersanonymous.
So even just looking at that extremely unlikely and hypothetical slate of games…it’s a total crapshoot with three, possibly four games of real intrigue. For sheer interest-discounting the fairness of a playoff aside-does it really beat handpicked bowls for a consumable product of football interest? And would it have a diarrheal anthem like “One Shining Moment?” (Probably not: soaring blandthem would be the bet, with leading money on something by Coldplay or The Killers.)
College football retains much of its market value in its scarcity: as much as that idea pains us to admit, more of it may not be a good thing. (Ducks thrown bottles, cans, and fetuses in jars.)
P.S. Official EDSBS stance: playoff agnostic, if we were to believe it would be in a plus-one God, most likely, but not this laborious 16 team model that would be octopus-on-roller-skates awkward.
CURIOUS INDEX, 3/20/2009
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Gradulate. In case you’re one of three people on the planet who hasn’t watched it: Corrine Brown demonstrates why an education degree is really just tripling down on a high school diploma. Let’s pretend this never happened, except for the cape, which we crave envy and want want want. Mike Leach Makes a Pitiful Speed Bump of Tact. NFL coaches are horrible, but only Mike Leach has the balls and complete lack of affiliation with the league to go ahead and say it. In response to the “can Graham Harrell take a snap from under center” question, Leach said this. They’re words. They’re interesting. Read them.
“You bring up easily the most pitiful NFL cop-out of all…and you can send that message to the whole NFL. Any coach who has ever said or uttered those words or considers that a concern, here’s my message for them: How could you possibly look yourself in the mirror and consider yourself an NFL coach and not be able to teach a guy to run back three steps, five steps and seven steps? I can teach a child that! “Any coach in the NFL who can’t do that ought to be fired!” And Leach wasn’t done. “I can do that,” Leach said of teaching a quarterback to drop back. “I only need a three-hour window. I’ll have a great clinic for all the NFL coaches who are so horrible that they can’t teach a guy to take a snap under center and go backwards.” Thanks, coach! This will really help with recruiting top-notch quarterbacks, especially those who would like to enjoy some time in that league under the supervision of a few terrible coaches. Though he’s right: NFL coaches are terrible, and only get worse over time as sleep deprivation and poor heart function shear off their brain cells one by one. Bill Parcells, toward the end of his career, likely had a functioning IQ in the high 80s. (So did Barry Switzer, but at least those 80 points were devoted towards things like fun, ruining the Cowboys, and urinating in every more inventive public locations.) Raiding Public Records for Stories. UGA dismissed recruit Dexter Moody this past week, and public records watchdogging gets you the reason: foightin’! Sadly, he cannot blame his Irish heritage and St. Patrick’s Day festivities for the tussle. Sta Questions, Flame-Broiled. The most prominent of these being who will protect Tim Tebow’s blind side (besides Jesus) with the graduation of Jason Watkins. Come watch our shitty scrimmage. Boise invites all to watch what Chris Petersen describes as “ugly” football in their first scrimmage of the spring for the Broncos. |
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