CURIOUS INDEX, 3/18/2009

You're done. Once a friend got hit on by a drunk redneck at a blues bar. He staggered up, sat down next to my friend and her friend, and then grabbed some of the peanuts and said, "These are the only peanuts that ain't got the SARS." A moment of silence passed, and then the friend looked at drunk redneck and said, "You're done." He nodded, and skulked away without a word.

This happened to FSU president T.K. Wetherell, who got the hook from a university spokesman at his press conference regarding FSU's appeal of the NCAA's ruling on the academic fraud case involving the football team. THAT'S JUST HOW WELL IT WENT. Andrew Carter of the Orlando Sentinel was there, and protects the tender ears of retirees and shut-ins still reading the paper by cleaning up Wetherell's filthy language.

Wetherell had said that wasn’t the reason why Bowden wanted to stay and then, at about the 33-minute mark of this press conference, Wetherell says: "Now, we understand all the rest of it. We’ve heard [Sentinel columnist Mike] Bianchi over there saying, well hell, 31 wins don’t count anyway because they were at some [dipstick] school …"

"Dipstick" equals "dipshit" here, something Samford would really appreciate. Of course, those are dipshit wins, but that's beside the point. Proceeding on: Wetherell then went into a long, badly sketched diatribe about setting up Tim Tebow with a fake paper written by someone else, and then reporting it to the NCAA, and then...and then Wetherell got the hook.

It’s probably not a coincidence that, not long after Wetherell finished the above hypothetical story, Frank Murphy, the university’s lead spokesman, rose from his chair and told Wetherell that it was near time to end the press conference.

"You're done." T.K. Wetherell, never retire.

We're so happy to have you here in the great state of Texas, even if we don't understand a word you say. Mack Brown is considering dropping out of the USA Today Coaches' Poll. In a moment of admirable honesty, he explains the simple reason why: he doesn't understand the BCS.

In the offseason, Brown brought in several of the people who work on the BCS standings and tried to get some clarification about how it works. He brought in one of the computer poll gurus used in the formula and the staff grilled him for 90 minutes. "We were more confused after we finished than when we started," Brown said.

HOOWEEE THESE TICKET PRICES ARE FUCKING CRAZY LIKE ME. $150-$300 will be your ticket price range for the Texas A&M/Arkansas game on September 5th. Jerry Jones, watching the affair inside one of those cash grab tubes with thousands of dollars floating around him in his private box, will wonder what you are bitching about, broke-ass loserface.

Earthquake! Florida has a 2010 commit nicknamed "Earthquake." Pleasure is being a University of Florida fan in this halcyon age of awesome names, national titles, and a coach who drinks blood smoothies made from the vital fluids of his foes.

MOM! HOT POCKETS! Competitive varsity video gaming: the dream comes true, one enlightened school at a time.