That thing you’re doing to set yourself on fire? AWESOME. On TSB, the anatomy of how to completely fuck up your method of determining a Rose Bowl participant: follow the Big 12’s lead.
It really was just a pipe. Ohio State’s two linemen cited for drug paraphernalia really were just toting a pipe around. The cop thought the deer hunter’s cap was just a Holmesian cover for a pot pipe, but Mike Adams apparently really just likes a fine puff on his pipe by the hearthside whilst reading Keats with his hounds at his feet. (HT: Crabapple Buck.)
Mat Drills BLEAAARRGGGHHH. If something fatigues Rennie Curran, we want no part of it.
We’ll fight another fifth grader, please. That is not a robot playing the part of Bill Snyder at Kansas State, and if it is, it has been programmed to schedule teams exactly as the real Bill Snyder did.
People Do Not Speak Like This Anymore. Frank Howard, legendary Clemson coach, really did sound like this and say things like “Ah looked lahke an Indian.”
That’s an accent that, if spoken over a plate of baked chicken and vegetables, instantly turns it into a three piece fried chicken meal with collard greens.
The weather and cabin fever prior to spring practice can only be blamed for the psychobilly freakout that occurred this weekend in an active Fulmer Cup scoring session. The Big Board is updated and brought to you by Brian, who is hung like Reggie F’n Nelson.
Incidents, clarifications, and rank inaccuracies follow the board.
Ryan Mallett learns the Arkansas qb playbook. The Matt Jones one, to be specific. Ryan Mallett takes an epic mugshot in his arrest for public intoxication in Fayetteville this weekend, earns Arkansas two points on the Big Board, and gives Michigan fans further reason to crow that losing the blue-chip wunderkind was no real loss, after all, as he’s the kind of guy who will smirk but not outright smile during his mugshot. (The smile indicates you’re just insane; the smirk implies ’smug.’) Bobby Petrino responded by interviewing for the Saskatchewan Rough Riders’ head coaching position. (Score equals one point for public intox, and one bonus point for the mugshot mugging.)
I thought those Shirley Temples tasted odd. Shaun Prater could have given Iowa a mere two points for an OWI on Sunday, but he insisted on chatting with policemen, and chatting with policemen means they start writing the stupid things you’re saying down, and then they end up on the internet for all to see. (more…)
Fulmer Cuprising! Iowa; Ohio State; and Arkansas. All three strike with a boozy determination to bolt their teams into the Fulmer Cup race. Full update shortly with points awarded, but the most active weekend of the Cup season has a common thread running through it: the need to get crunk no matter if you’re walking the streets of Fayetteville, cruising the barren, stray-dog-ruled barrens of Columbus, or weaving through them hot streetz of Iowa City. Crunk happens. Prepare for its embraces accordingly. (Stay home and watch Spike like the rest of us, young ones.)
Phil Fulmer did this, but only for EKG tests. The Wild Boyz Stomp lives at Tennessee, where Ed Orgeron continues to work hard and play hard like it’s the Anvil. From Markeith Ambles’ account of his recruiting visit to Knoxville.
“We were in a dark theater and all of a sudden they turned on the lights and the coaches ripped off their shirts,” Ambles said with a laugh.”It was like in the army and it got crunk up in there. Some of the players that were in there did some chants. It got crunk.”
EVERYBODY DANCE NOW!!!
Freedom Williams can surely find a spot as a graduate assistant with Tennessee to increase their hypeness in the Lane Kiffin era. Offseason conditioning at Tennessee now includes generous slices of the revolutionary conditioning featured in You Got Served, Krumping, and approximately 100 percent more homoeroticism. Shocking news from the account? Monte Kiffin has the eight-pack of an 18 year old lightweight MMA fighter. Like a flesh-colored turtle’s shell, they say.
I Thought Duke Would Be More Cosmopolitan. Now David Cutcliffe realizes there are heels in more than one burg in North Carolina, as his witty banter falls on deaf ears in Durham.
“Y’all don’t get it. I don’t believe it!” he said jokingly. “Do y’all not watch the news, the last days in politics? Anybody pay attention to what’s going on? Anybody know what Joe Biden’s quote was? Good gracious guys, you have your heads buried in the sand. Never mind, you won’t get what I just said.”
It beats those staff meetings at Tennessee, though. The noise Jimmy Ray Stephens made slurping mucilage straight from the rubber nipple drowned out nearly everything you tried to say. Your talents are being wasted on the lowbrows of Cancer U, Cut: come to the University of Alabama English Department’s Flag Football Team, where your pithy allusions to our body politic vis a vis football will be appreciated (provided Jon Gruden turns them down.) (HT: Kleph.)
FAIL comes in four flavors. If we’re talking about the transition from college to the NFL, of course. Commenters FTW: pigeonholing Katzenmoyer as a non-injury case is inaccurate, and his sample size was far too small to consider whether he was a success or not, unless you are a Michigan fan and assuming steroids destabilized his spinal column by artificially bulking his skull up to unsustainable size, which you go right ahead and do.
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Orson Swindle and Stranko Montana are two men pushing thirty who should know better than to run a college football blog, but evidently don't. Both graduated from the University of Florida, and both agree that college football is far too important to be left to the professionals.
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