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FULMER CUPDATE: FLORIDA, UVA, AND WAZZOU ALL MAKE THE BOARD

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The Big Board is presented this week by Hosea Williams Bail Bonding: Still Settin' 'Em Free after All These Years. Conveniently located at the Garnett MARTA station and adjacent to the Dekalb County Jail on Memorial Drive. Bond on Tuesdays is still half-off for first-timers!

Presented as always by Brian, who is hung like Reggie F'n Nelson.

(Board will go here. In the meantime, why not pay a visit to the Old Saloon?)

Biting is considered affectionate where I come from. That place? Abuseton, Texas. Florida lineman Carl Johnson is in court today regarding a petition from his former girlfriend, whose restraining order was violated last week on a bus, leading to a Johnson arrest, the awarding of two solid Fulmer Cup points, and many more charges/points if Johnson did indeed "shake, bite, and hit" his accuser. At this point it appears to be an "it said, she said"* case, and my, aren't those legal fun for the whole family. ("He raped me repeatedly, but I have no evidence." "No, I didn't." Judge: "Well, okay then." [/stares into void of proper action])

Mele Kalikimaka is Hawaii's way... to say "Merry Christmas, you're being sexually assaulted and attacked by a Warrior football player." Jo Pierre Davis, a cornerback for UH, was arrested and charged with sex assault, assault, and burglary in two incidentsinvolving the same woman in both instances. We tentatively award Davis both the early status as frontrunner for the Ellis T. Jones Award for individual achievement and a sum of nine points for at least three felony charges (if not more, pending additional charges.) We may award further points for Davis reinforcing our stereotype of Hawaii as a beautiful tropical facade underpinned by a never-ceasing underworld of killers, thugs, rapists, con artists, and mulleted men pepper-spraying them into submission. (Brah.)

Thrown out, and not just for illegally sensuous dancing. UVA football players Corey Mosely and Amad Wolcott earned UVA two points (one point each) for teaching white girls the secrets of hip-hop dance, opening their hearts, and helping them get over the deaths of their mothers on the way to their dance recitals. Julia Stiles can jam, y'all! Get your overbite on!

Bringing meat to the jackals in grand style. Wazzou would get just one here, but falling asleep in the parking lot of a police station as a minor in possession demands a bonus point for style. That's Paul Gascoigne, Nick Nolte-level flair there.

Really, if true, Carl Johnson goes to "it" status and loses personal pronoun status.