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KELLEN HEARD WANTS THE CHOO-CHOO, NOT TEH FUTBAWL

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"I hope we've got the equipment to fit him." Those were Dennis Franchione's words when Texas A&M signed Kellen Heard, a defensive end prospect from Wharton High in Miami who signed with the 'Canes, then ditched the 'Canes to hang out on South Beach and take what he described as "a five month vacation," and then went on to have "work ethic issues" under two different coaches.

His most notable achievement as an Aggie was illegal, braindead, and endeared himself to Texas A&M fans forever: the latest late hit we can ever remember seeing on an already injured Colt McCoy in the 12-7 2006 upset of the Longhorns. BULL CHARGE.

Heard will have to hang his bid for free steaks forever in Texas on that one play, because he is forgoing football to complete his degree and pursue what may have been his dream all along: becoming a railroad engineer just like his mother. The BLS projects good prospects for the job over the next ten years thanks to retirement attrition. (The BLS's outlook for coaches? "very good," actually, though competition is "keen" at the highest levels. Keen is one word: "a struggle of ass-ripping intensity" is another.)