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MACK BROWN: THE PIED PIPER OF FEBRUARY

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Texas already has ten commitments for 2010, making them the football program most like your friend who has this all under control, has already applied for their car tags for the year, is quite sure of their retirement savings, and who loses no paperwork. This may explain the odd glee surrounding Mack Brown's early fiascogasms in bowl games at Texas: being so well-prepared not only makes you successful (which people hate) but also makes your failures particularly tasty, because you are the annoying asshole who remembered sunscreen (Why, yes, thank you, I do need some) but who is flabbergasted you can't find your 2003 tax returns. (Um...did we file that year?)

Thus LSUFreek's homage to the Pied Piper of February, which we imagine being set to some kind of Zamfir-on-PCP kind of flute-noodling.

Texas also still has a shot at Bryce Brown for 2009, the running back prospect splitting the Terrelle Pryor Spot for DRAMATIC LATE ANNOUNCEMENTS OMG. Brown will visit Tennessee this weekend, where Ed Orgeron and Lane Kiffin will commit at least thirty secondary violations by simulating the orgy scene from Eyes Wide Shut, immediately self-report, and really all hope that woman in the mask in the corner whipping the hide off an old man wasn't Pat Summit introducing Monte Kiffin to the sweet surrender of BDSM.

Worse still, they'll all deny it was the single most arousing thing any of them had ever seen.