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FULMER CUP: THIS WASN'T THAT DANE COOK, BECAUSE IT IS FUNNY

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Always pay your cabbie: they journeyed either from rehab or from the furthest reaches of the earth to take your drunk ass from one place to another, and you owe them not only the proper fare for the effort, but also a generous tip for putting up with your drunk ass. Bonus: in Atlanta they're all Ethiopian or Eritrean, and will tell you about places like California Mart or the kickass African food stand at the airport we've been meaning to try for months now.

(Superb review from Yelp there: "Not really sure what I ate...but fantastic." Honesty and bravery in one review, sir.)

Even tiny Muncie, Indiana has its share of God's drunk-shepherds, and at least one unfortunately named Ball State football player now looking at a felony charge due to his refusal to pay his toll for disabling his driving reflexes.

Dane Cook, who was a sophomore free safety on the 2008 Ball State football team, was arrested on the preliminary charges of public intoxication and theft at about 4 a.m. Saturday at Beacon Hill Apartments, police said.

Video of the incident follows!

Apologies. That is not video of the incident, but instead is a man shooting a UFO, but the idea of putting a picture of Dane Cook on our dear website just caused us to grow whole, fishy scales across the length and breadth of our body. Cook will earn four points for the incident, and put Ball State in the lead for the Fulmer Cup, which we sorely need to update here shortly: three points for the felony (even if it is a grade D,) and one point for the public intox charge. He also wants to know why everything in a public bathroom is always wet, and man does his ass itch and why MURDERED BY SHOVEL.