Moving never ends, and having finally procured a truck to move our fifty dollars of possessions we have determined that:

-We actually own five useful things.

-We can find none of those five useful things.

-The rest is shit no one wants.

-No one will take it.

Tolstoy had the right idea. We’ll be back in force tomorrow after burning half of what we own.

Had the right idea, but bad execution.

Always pay your cabbie: they journeyed either from rehab or from the furthest reaches of the earth to take your drunk ass from one place to another, and you owe them not only the proper fare for the effort, but also a generous tip for putting up with your drunk ass. Bonus: in Atlanta they’re all Ethiopian or Eritrean, and will tell you about places like California Mart or the kickass African food stand at the airport we’ve been meaning to try for months now.

(Superb review from Yelp there: “Not really sure what I ate…but fantastic.” Honesty and bravery in one review, sir.)

Even tiny Muncie, Indiana has its share of God’s drunk-shepherds, and at least one unfortunately named Ball State football player now looking at a felony charge due to his refusal to pay his toll for disabling his driving reflexes.

Dane Cook, who was a sophomore free safety on the 2008 Ball State football team, was arrested on the preliminary charges of public intoxication and theft at about 4 a.m. Saturday at Beacon Hill Apartments, police said.

Video of the incident follows!

Apologies. That is not video of the incident, but instead is a man shooting a UFO, but the idea of putting a picture of Dane Cook on our dear website just caused us to grow whole, fishy scales across the length and breadth of our body. Cook will earn four points for the incident, and put Ball State in the lead for the Fulmer Cup, which we sorely need to update here shortly: three points for the felony (even if it is a grade D,) and one point for the public intox charge. He also wants to know why everything in a public bathroom is always wet, and man does his ass itch and why MURDERED BY SHOVEL.

There’s good places to take a nap in public. We prefer the chairs some kind retailers put out for sad husbands to hold down while wives or girlfriends browse clothing and suffer minor cycles of breakdown/affirmation. It’s a bit like going to community theatre; if it’s dark enough, you can nod off comfortably while your significant other passes through the entire dramatic cycle in ten minutes over a single pair of pants.

A bad place to fall asleep is in the drive-thru lane at McDonald’s, which is where Preston Parker of Florida State fell asleep Saturday night. (Bobby Bowden: “He diyud, he diyud…but he’s a good kid.”) Parker was arrested for “driving under the influence of alcohol and/or drugs,” and admitted to drinking and smoking marijuana.

This leads us to the hilarious disclosure of this delightful piece of police report verbiage:

According to police, Parker’s blood alcohol content below the state’s drunk-driving limit.

However, Parker’s urine sample was presumptive positive for marijuana.

Oh, the endless number of people we could include under the title of “presumptive positive” for marijuana: Percy Harvin, George W. Bush (why the fuck not, sir?), anyone who just shook hands with L’il Wayne, Penn Wagers, Charles Haley, Christopher Buckley…this “presumptive positive” is going to be useful phrasing, as in “Tommy Bowden’s teams at Clemson were usually a presumptive positive for bitch mentality.” Muchas gracias, Tallahassee PD. We’ll honor you by passing out at the driver’s seat in the line at Zesto’s soon.

Oh, and Preston Parker puts FSU at the head of the drive-thru line for the Fulmer Cup with this three point offense: two for the DWI/DUI/whatevs, and one style point for falling asleep while waiting for his McRib.